In Kase You Were Wondering....

Those crazy sinners ...

2012-02-13T16:03:00.000-08:00

I have a history of liking public figures without the best of reputations...Kobe Bryant, Michael Vick, Tiger Woods, Eminem, Whitney Houston, etc. These celebs are admittedly not the ideal stars I'd suggest to my own children to admire. None of them, to my knowledge, would be considered to be a poster child for any kind of Christian value that I hold.

They thing that I don't get, also, is that I don't just like them. The more controversial or intrusive they become, the more I am drawn to them. The deeper they spiral downward, the more I find myself defending their actions. I first recognized it when Kobe Bryant went through his very public ordeal that happened in Eagle, Colorado. It went on to Whitney Houston when Whitney Houston was publicly erratic and clearly under the influence of "something". And even in her recent tragic death, I find myself angered by those who both silently and openly claim "we all saw it coming"....

I've thought a lot about why I'm like this. I've even tried to change it within me. But here's the thing. I've recognized that I love these public figures because they perhaps represent the darker sides of me that I usually try to hide from my Christian circles. I'm arrogant. I'm addicted to self indulgence. I'm belligerent and angry, not outwardly but in my poisonous heart. I'm a liar. A cheat. A hoax, a spoiled brat, a complicated paradox of a person.

Yet, through all of this, there is someone...some ONE...who chooses to still believe in me, love me, accept me...forgive me.

What if, in all their wrongs, these public figures had someone who helped make them right. And even if they didn't, still found a way to love them and believe in them.

In the aftermath of Whitney's death, there remains an empty part of my heart for my fallen childhood idol. I am saddened by the loss of her talent and her life. And as I look at these controversial people, I am reminded by the truth that Paul speaks in Scripture....and how deeply it applies to my own life:

I Timothy 1:12 - 17

12I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has strengthened me, because He considered me faithful, putting me into service, 13even though I was formerly a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent aggressor. Yet I was shown mercy because I acted ignorantly in unbelief; 14and the grace of our Lord was more than abundant, with the faith and love which are found in Christ Jesus. 15It is a trustworthy statement, deserving full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, among whom I am foremost of all. 16Yet for this reason I found mercy, so that in me as the foremost, Jesus Christ might demonstrate His perfect patience as an example for those who would believe in Him for eternal life. 17Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen.

Suddenly, the sins of others don't seems as "bad", when I reflect on my very own heart and how far I have to grow...

Resting in God

2012-02-07T17:31:00.000-08:00

I love my job. I really do. I can't actually say in one word "what" it is I do. I suppose I could say I am a barista. I know a lot about coffee and I simply love making a good drink for people. However, now that I'm working at a coffee shop that serves lunch, I'm not sure what to call myself (especially since I am making lunches a majority of the time). A food server? Preparer? Ah, who knows...

One of the things I enjoy most about my job is that it gives me the opportunity to pray for complete strangers. As I make their drinks or prepare their lunches, or even when I wipe off the tables, I say a quick prayer for the people who will be eating, drinking or dining there. I consider it such a privilege to be able to serve people, both physically and maybe in a spiritual way they aren't even aware of but perhaps they need.

Where I'm going from here, however, will likely sound like a contradiction in those previous two paragraphs. Why? Because one of the things I am also finding as I'm serving people all day is that I come home to serve my kids when they come home from school. And my husband. And many days, it doesn't seem like I stop serving.

I know this sounds like complaining, but I really don't think I am. Moreso, it's an acknowledgement to myself that I need to take breaks and rest. But not in the way you may think. While personal rest and relaxation sounds heavenly right now (after not going 5 minutes without a personal request from SOMEONE today), I am realizing that I need to step back and find rest in God. While I love bringing requests to Him, I am also recognizing in a HUGE way my need to just listen, to be quiet and open my ears to what God is trying to tell me and teach me at any given moment. When I get so entangled with bringing what only seems to be my requests to God, I forget and easily miss the rest He provides for me when I quietly pursue His voice.

There are times during the day when I wish I could just stop. Not from physical exhaustion or from overwhelming tasks, but because I find myself overcome with a relentless desire to just climb up on my heavenly Father's lap and curl up close enough to just hear His heart. I've been neglecting that lately.

2012-02-03T15:08:00.000-08:00

Of all the things I'm proud of so far in 2012, this is one of them. I present to you, the Mandarin Orange Chicken Salad. Okay, so the salad itself is not what makes me proud. But me making it...well, that's another story.

I have never been one to like making food. I liked to bake. I liked to eat! But never have I really enjoyed making food until this past month. I started working at a coffee shop here in town to make coffee. I knew they served lunch, but I just wanted to make coffee. I quit a job at another coffee shop because I hated making sandwiches with the sandwich shop that was attached to it.

For some reason this is different now. Not just different...unexplainable. I am LOVING making the lunches. In fact, I would prefer to make lunches over coffee now when I'm on the clock. And not only that, I am finding that passion is being transferred to my home and I am excited to cook and make new foods.

I even bought my own apron.

This upcoming Tuesday, I'm making my own soup to serve to all the patrons. And they aren't afraid to give their opinions whether or not they like it or not. I'm super excited.

So don't be surprised if I start posting photos of my new edible creations!

At the end of the day

2012-01-31T18:39:00.000-08:00

As I sit down at what seems to be the closing in of my day, I have about a gazillion things on my mind. There's so much I could write about that's on my mind...the negative and the positive, the blessings and the frustrations, the friendships and the annoyances, the challenges, opportunities, inconveniences and pure joy, all things which I experienced in a less than 24 hour time period.

There were things I wanted to do today that I didn't. I wanted to sit for an hour and just draw. I wanted to have a deliciously prepared meal hot on the table, perfectly timed, but it was halted by an important phone call. I wanted to make lots of lunches for people coming in to the coffee shop, but it was slower than normal. I wanted the kids to be in bed and asleep by 8pm and they're still awake at 5 minutes 'til 9. I wanted to run, take photos, sit for coffee with a friend, take a shower exactly when I wanted to, clean the house and watch ESPN.

And then there's the unexpected things I DID do that I wasn't planning to do. I shopped at the Dollar Store before I went to work and found some awesome finds. I drank a protein drink. I found out a friend is going to be a Grandma. I had a conversation with a stranger. I sat in someone's new car, brushed my daughter's hair, consulted a pharmacist, watched my son play schoolyard basketball, took a nap and looked through old photos.

At the end of the day, I guess I just find myself thankful. Even the "bad" stuff leaves me grateful for where God has me and for the grace He provides me to be a part of His plan...whatever that plan may be. I hope the people in my life never forget home much i lovr them....

A new member of the Yates Pack

2012-01-30T15:09:00.000-08:00

Now that I officially have one reader of my blog (hi, Naomi!), I am feeling more inspired to write. And this, my one friend, is a story every one must know. Or at least one person....

Two weeks ago, if you would have talked to me about the possibility of our family being owners of another dog, I would have answered your question before it even hit the tips of your lips with a VERY emphatic "NO!" As much as I love our (almost) 4 year old black lab, she is a LOT of work. She's big. She's expensive. She's demanding. She thinks she owns the rights to every piece of comfy furniture in our house and I'm entirely convinced that she believes she is being generous by letting my daughter share "her" bed.

The kids have been asking for another dog for quite awhile. And with my personality, the more they ask, the more I have been strong in telling them no.

And then this weekend happened.

We were at the Women's Expo and the Capitol Humane Society also had a booth out there. Without going into the whole entire horror story, I will shed some light on the situation...only because I'm still bitter. Bottom line, I saw a rat terrier dog, about 5 years old with missing teeth and scars on it's back and I...fell...in....love. We talked to the volunteers there and solidified our desire to adopt this little guy. Unable to do it over the phone for whatever reason, they said I had to drive out to the Humane Society to put a hold on it and that I had until 4pm to do so. I left almost as soon as I could to do this, only to drive 25 minutes out there and find out that "someone" had already adopted him. It's still quite mysterious to me and I still have not forgiven them for not only the bad communication, but the lack of professionalism when the front desk refused to talk to me when I was asking questions about the situation.

I was devastated when I left. Like, almost-to-the-point-of-tears devastated. I hadn't been that attached to a dog since I was in the 4th grade when we had to put our cockapoo to sleep because he nipped at someone....another sore subject, let's not go there. (But since we're already here, you should know that the punk kid was teasing him and the dog had a RIGHT to put him in his place).

All this aside, we looked on the internet for a similar type of dog and much to my surprise, we found another dog that seems like an ever BETTER fit for our family. This Saturday, we are supposed to go down to Kansas and pick him up. His name right now is Ryleigh, but I'm wanting to change his name to Sergio. Serge for short. Ironic and weird how excited I am for this little addition into our family. I hope I'm ready for this. I hope he's ready for me! Check out the pic of this little sweetheart coming my way....

Remembering Levi

2012-01-25T14:11:00.000-08:00

One of my earliest memories of elementary school involved a man by the name of Levi Kroeker my elementary principal. Today, I gathered together with hundreds of other people who celebrated his life of service and faithfulness at his funeral. Typically, I am not a fan of funerals (who is?). No reason in particular, other than selfishness and avoiding the level of discomfort I personally feel around grieving people. I am an internalizer, so most forms of outward emotion by others makes me uncomfortable and awkward. But today was different. While I was still not ''wanting" to go to the funeral, I went.

I don't have a ton of memories from Levi. But it seems the only ones I really have are of him calming my storms. At his funeral, one person said that he was a "Master of Self Control." I couldn't have said it better myself. Between the self control and the compassion this man had, it left an indelible print on my life that I will never forget.

My first memory of Levi is one of him pushing me on a swing at recess. As the elementary principal, I always thought it was so cool that he actually PLAYED with us at recess and didn't just stand there and watch for opportunities to discipline. He was the first man to push me on a swing. That doesn't sound all that impressive to most, but as a third grader, I remember quite vividly how much I enjoyed those times with him at recess.

My next memory of him was not as wistul, at least on my part. I was (am) a highly competitive person and I had just played a game of tetherball at recess. Notice I didn't say if I had won or lost...but that, however, was the question of the source of a schoolyard fight that broke out betwen me and Holly Feese, which ended us up on the dirty gravel, punching, pulling hair, screaming and crying. It wasn't until Levi came over that I calmed down. And it wasn't the fact that he broke up the fight, so much as it was that he didn't yell at us. Quite contrary, he kneeled down and sat me on his knee. I don't remember a lick of what he said, only the compassion and love I saw in his eyes. I suppose it's one of my earliest memories of grace in action.

Last but not least, I remember being sent to his office because I was part of a group of girls that depantsed a kid in 6th grade. I'm not sure if I ever fully repented from that....the larger part of me still thinks the kid desereved it. Levi instructed me to call my mom and tell her of my acts. I sat at his desk while he handed me the phone. Instead of calling my mom, however, I called the time and temperature and made a pseudo confession to my wrong doings. There's a part of me that believes that, had I been honest about it, I would have still received the same knee-sitting grace he showed me on the playground.

I can recite Psalm 139 flawlessly to this day because of Levi's 6th grade Bible class. He hungered for learning and teaching the truth of God's word. I will never forget the influence he had on my life.

The Psalm 34:1 Tim Tebow

2011-12-22T06:54:00.001-08:00

I have a bone to pick with Tebow haters.

I've been chewing on this one for quite some time now, but my most recent conversation about Tebow left me feeling all kinds of different emotions about how people are perceiving Tebow.

I've been a Tim Tebow fan since his junior year at Florida. At his infamous press conference, I admired his leadership and competitive nature. At that time, I wasn't even fully aware that he was even a Christian. It was the first time that I had really even taken note of who he was...and I instantly liked and admired him.

That's when I started to follow him in sports. I became a Florida Gators fan, I started gaining respect for Urban Meyer as a coach and mentor. When they won the National Championship, I remember feeling happy, but what I seem to remember most during that game was how the commentators seemed to be so hard on him. It wasn't because of his Bible verses written under his eyes, but they just didn't think he had the star power and ability to make it in the NFL. I remember thinking "How can these guys say that? It's not necessarily based completely on skill, but on will and leadership and competitiveness. You just can't TEACH that. And Tebow HAS it".

I didn't have a love affair with the Broncos team at that point, other than the fact that it was my son's favorite team. So when Tebow was drafted to the Broncos, I was happy that we could share that common love together on one team. And I had a feeling that it would only be a matter of time before this natural born leader was out on the field, proving people wrong.

Okay, so that's all just a short story to lead in to why I love Tebow. It's not because it's a popular thing to talk about now and I love a good debate. My most recent qualm about the whole Tebow thing is that people, those claiming to be Christian people, have gotten on a certain bandwagon with him that saddens me. In the conversation I had, it was the typical "Yeah...I get that he's a Christian and all, but it's just TOO much. He doesn't have to ALWAYS put it out there...". I GET that from a non-believing, agnostic, atheist, whatever non-Christian person, that's fine they think that. But for people who claim Christ....where did we go wrong?

One of the Bible verses Paul and I have had TJ learn and recite often when he's shooting hoops or playing football in the backyard is Psalm 34:1. Sometimes before a free throw shot, we won't' give him the ball until he says "I will bless the Lord at all times". You see, as a competitive little boy (HIGHLY competitive), we have had to work very hard at teaching him that it's okay to be intense in competition and want to win, but that's not what it's all about. Competing in sports, to us, is about having a "stage" that God gives you to be able to act differently...not because you're acting, but because God is more important to us than ANYTHING, even winning.

The latter part of Psalm 34:1 that TJ doesn't normally recite says "His praise shall continually be on my lips." There is not a better verse I can think of that I would tag with Tim Tebow. With him, there's no such thing as "too much God". And as Christian people, we should feel the same. In his most recent comeback win against the Bears, Tebow can be heard while mic'd up SINGING "Our God is an awesome God" at a very critical time in the game.

Some say he does it for show, only because he knew he had the mike on. I would highly disagree with that statement, only because I think the world is in wonder, even Christians are in wonder...they don't know how to handle it that a Christian man is out there on the field and AT ALL TIMES, has the praise of God on his lips. What a tremendous example he has been. Whether or not you like him, you can't disagree that this is a young man who not only proclaims his faith, but walks as diligently as he is able, in order to bring honor to the God He loves and adores so much. For a Mom who is teaching a young 8 year old boy the value of competing beyond wins and losses, I cannot say how much I appreciate the national stage that God has placed Tim Tebow on to set an example for my learning son. And me!

No Man's Land

2011-12-15T14:48:00.000-08:00

Sometimes the sense of abandonment I feel is overwhelming...

I expect people to walk away from me. I practically consider it a "given" when I go into any kind of friendship or relationship.

And then I set myself up to fail, because I expect to. I don't get too close because the fear of it is too much for me to bear. My walls are quite thick and I don't want them to be.

How do you get past that when it always seems to turn out to be true?

Well, almost always. I don't know how to handle it when it doesn't...

11 years and counting...

2011-12-09T13:10:00.000-08:00

Yesterday we celebrated our 11th year being married. We drove up on a cold and snowy day to Omaha to take care of some computer problems (FUN!)! Well, it was at the Apple Store, so it actually WAS kinda fun.

After visiting Scheels (one of our favorite stores) and doing a little bit of Christmas shopping, we headed over to one of our favorite restaurants, Stokes. Mmmmm. Just typing it in again makes me love it all over again.

Every time we go there, we get this thing called the “Fire Shrimp”. I can’t even describe it adequately. It’s hot...like close-my-throat and eyes-watering hot. I didn’t think to get a picture of how delightful it looks until the shrimp was already eaten, so I got a picture of the spicy oil that the shrimp gets dipped in.

Seriously tasty dish, even by looking at it, right? So, we get ready to get our bill from the waitress and she said someone had called in and paid for our meal. She didn’t know who it was, but there was only one person who knew exactly where we were at that time, and it was our friend, Bob Burton. So, thanks, Bob!

With that, it was time to come home...slide home, that is. The roads weren’t too bad on the interstate but once we got back into town, they were pretty nasty. We picked up the kids at school about 10 minutes late and headed home.

Now here’s the part I love.

Most couples like to spend their anniversary going out to eat for dinner at a nice restaurant, maybe a movie....and while that is always nice to a degree, we spent the evening doing something that we TRULY enjoy.

We headed down to our basement, started a fire and roasted hot dogs and s’mores with the kids, watching some silly movie on TV (I think it was Narnia) and then some Sportscenter and just being together...it was AWESOME....because it was “us”...

Simple.

Happy Anniversary to us! What a cray 11 years it has been.

Tell MY Story?

2011-11-17T11:07:00.000-08:00

I don't think God speaks audibly to people anymore. I don't have any theological or Biblical doctrine to either back that up or not, it's just simply my opinion. But when I woke up this morning, I felt like God told me something. And it was pretty clear. Clear enough that I remember I woke up at exactly 5:34am when it came to me.

What I understood and felt God was communicating to me was this: Tell your story.

I have a tendency to have a lot of things in my head that never make it to my blog or to a conversation. I keep it safe within my head. I tend to talk myself into believing that what I say or want to say doesn't really matter to anyone but me, so I lock it up. But there's a storyline unfolding within my mind every single day that continues to build, but it's never told...a story 33 years in the making now.

To tell my story is a very scary task to me, especially as a Christian person working in ministry. As I said to a church in North Carolina last week when they asked what excited me about working in missions, "I often feel as though I'm the most flawed 'missionary' there is." I don't have a squeaky clean past where I've always walked the straight and narrow, even as a Christian. I know full well how it feels to fail and disappoint others. It happens a lot. So it's hard for me to believe that my story, whatever part of it I'm being prompted to tell, merits any benefit to anyone who may hear or read.

The ironic thing after talking to the church in North Carolina is that I was approached by a surprising number of people afterwards who thanked me for my humility, transparency and authenticity. Perhaps there are more "flawed" people out there who are afraid to admit it within our Christian circles. What if my story does and can, in fact, have an impact on others?

I suppose we'll see. In the meantime, I am trying to maintain an open heart and mind to how it is that God will use me. I'm all ears.

Death God's Way

2011-10-11T19:38:00.001-07:00

I don't do death. Better said, I have just never been confronted with the fear and firsthand pain of death and, simply put, don't handle it well. My grandparents died before I knew them. I have never had a family member die. The people I have known that have passed have impacted me and certainly always catapult me into a few days of rethinking and re-evaluating life and my priorities. But it has never hit me to the point of absolute devastation.

A few days ago, our neighbor a few houses up succumbed to her battle with cancer. In the few times that I saw her, I felt so awkward around her, not because I didn't care or because I didn't want to know how she was doing, but I didn't want her to feel like I just feel "sorry" for her. While sympathy and condolence is obviously needed, I remember going through very difficult times in my own life and I just wanted to feel normal. No questions No awkward stare to see if I'm about to cry. Just a normal conversation.

If anything, the times I did see and talk to her, it shined light brightly on my inability to know how to properly relate to those faced with the looming possibility of death. It wasn't just cancer for her. She came home from the hospital with doctors who had thrown their hands to the air. She came home with the knowledge she was on borrowed time. She came home to die.

Even so, we have been praying for their family every day for the past few months. A few months ago, TJ was praying in the car before school with me and he commented, "Mom, I don't get it. People pray for people to be healed. When they die, they are healed. So why are people so sad when God answers their prayers?"

Whoa.

How do you answer that? How do you respond when your seven year old son has just given you more proper perspective than you could have ever hoped to teach him? Indeed, with my very limited experience with death close to me and with my guaranteed lack of a heavenly perspective and purpose, I tend to pray for healing on MY terms or how those close to them/us would want the prayer answered.

Today in the car when we prayed once again for the family, TJ simply said, "God, help Sarah* & David* be strong without their mom. Thank you for healing Barbara*. Please help her have fun with you in heaven when she's dancing with you."

Long pause in the car. I wipe away my presumptuous parenting skills and take a lesson from my son on seeing death God's way.

*names changed to protect privacy

A Thankful Unintentional Stalker

2011-10-07T07:02:00.000-07:00

I wish I could have inconspicuously mounted my camera this morning to freeze the moments I witnessed in the coffee shop today. The ironic thing about it is that I witness the same thing practically every single week. But today felt different. Today there was a part of me that suddenly felt like I was a part of something very special without actually being a part of it. I was just there, nearby. Close enough to look occasionally up from the top of my computer screen to see it and allow myself a moment to smile to myself.

Each week, I see the pastors of Lincoln Berean Church meet together at this coffee shop. It typically seems to be a different day other than today. And they, as do I, tend to sit in the same general location. But today, we were in different places. (Is the anticipation of what I saw killing you yet?)

Today, I saw five men sitting around a table, eating their breakfast and holding their coffee with an occasional sip. But for the most part, their time to be spent mostly in vibrant conversation and laughter. Looking at them, I couldn't help but think "this group of guys REALLY enjoy each other's company". This wasn't set up. They didn't know I was going to be writing a blog about them. They didn't even know I was watching them. (Uh...stalker?) It was so magnetic that it was almost distracting.

They not only work together and share the same passion and compassions in life, they share a deep-rooted bond, a sense of community of sincere friendship and respect that feels like it flows directly from the heart of God Himself. It's one thing to speak from a stage in front of a ginormous congregation and deliver a poignant message each week. It's another to have hidden eyes observing their interaction amongst each other and to be able to see the undeniable love of God pouring out of each one of them as they interact with one another. For me, it confirmed my already thankful heart to be attending a church under the leadership of these few men.

Can Sports Thwart Our View of God?

2011-10-06T15:10:00.001-07:00

I've been in sports for as long as I can remember. I had a golf club in my hand before a ball. In pre-school, I remember playing basketball with the boys. I opted for dodgeball on the elementary playground instead of the swings. I whipped the tetherball around with the tallest opponents. In junior high and high school, I competed in volleyball, basketball and track. From there, I've moved on to sand volleyball, tennis and I even won a state tournament in racquetball while pregnant with my first child. Sports bleeds through my veins. It makes my heart beat. I love to watch them, play them, talk about them, critique them and sometimes even dream about them.

Growing up, my brother worked on a golf course and we knew the manager of a small junior course in town. We would walk almost every day to the course to play and my dream was to ultimately become a LPGA golfer. To this day, I still consider that one of my most elusive dreams unfulfilled.

With sports and competition comes such a wide range of life lessons and personal growth opportunity. While competing in an individual sport taught me in confidence, focus and responsibility, team sports taught me teamwork, problem solving and trust. Some of the most cliche words I adopted into my daily life were hard work, motivation, determination...you name it. We're all familiar with it. And we're all very in tune with the idea that those words, when turned into action, have significant athletic payout. Get a trophy. Get a headline in the newspaper. Win a ring or two. Or six.

What we do athletically on and off the court, field or course largely determines our position on a team or in a particular ranking. I don't think I need to go into several different examples for you to acknowledge that point is true. But how does this relate to our relationship with Christ, as Christian athletes? I can't think of any examples off the top of my head where a sub-par athlete was awarded a position on the starting five because they perhaps spent extra time with an at-risk youth or donated a little bit more in the collection plate on Sunday than what was comfortable.

What I'm suggesting to you is that as athletes, we have been pre-programmed in a way to believe that our performance is what earns us competitive merit. And in sports, that's actually quite true. But what happens when we fail to separate that mindset with that which Christ have given us in our Christian lives? How does that ever-lingering Christian word of "grace" apply to our lives when everything we have been taught is that we gain better position based on performance? This is why I believe it's important for us as athletes, parents, fans, coaches, etc. who bear the name of Christ, to also exemplify grace in an athletic realm. Am I suggesting to throw the jersey on the team manager and see if he can pull off a game winning shot? Not at all. Moreover, I am simply suggesting that we need to be mindful that there is a separation in competitive learning tactics and that, when we compete for Christ and Him alone, this mindset naturally follows. If it doesn't, we are running into a danger of allowing sports to thwart our view of God.

For more reading on the importance of Competing for Christ, follow Compete4Christ on Facebook or read the in-depth blog at www.Compete4Christ.blogspot.com.

Paradox. Kasey.

2011-09-06T19:17:00.000-07:00

Within a 24 hour time period, I can be the most paradoxical, contradictory, hypocritical person in the world. Eh, see...that's not even entirely true. It can happen within 24 seconds.

Situation: Grocery store. I start off on a good, healthy foot. Bananas, celery, apples, grapes...I walk around the store a little taller, almost cocky that I'm making such good culinary decisions. Once out of the produce aisle, I don't even recognize how far off my prideful healthy delight I have swayed until I go to the checkout aisle. The turkey bacon is covered by Cheetos. The lettuce hides behind the Famous Amos chocolate chips. My snack foods practically shine a light at me with a flashing red sign behind me, reading "Weak!"

The grocery store is the smallest and most trivial example I could come up with. I struggle with this in literally every single area of my life. I've even thought that the etching on my grave should some day read "Here lies Kasey. She contradicted herself on a daily basis."

Perhaps this is one of the reasons I love reading Brennan Manning's books so much. His full disclose of his weaknesses and failures are (weird to say) and encouragement to me. "When I am honest, I admit I am a bundle of paradoxes. I believe and I doubt, I hope and I get discouraged, I love and I hate, I feel bad about feeling good, I feel guilty about not feeling guilty. I am trusting and suspicious. I am honest and I still play games" (Brennan Manning in The Ragamuffin Gospel).

The ironic thing I have found is that the scandal of a paradoxical life is often, at least for me, the beauty of the Christian life. He used the weak to lead, the emotionally lame to heal hurts, the loud mouths and doubters and deceitful to be among his twelve closest followers. The one who betrayed Him 3 times in His lowest hour, He chose to lead His church. Why? Because His strength is perfected in weakness. And "weak" is my middle name.

"Confront the dark parts of yourself and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use your pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength." ~ August Wilson

So, while I'm embarrassed and ashamed of my weaknesses and the paradoxes in my life, I also love them because they remind me of just how powerful Christ has become in my life.

Poop Quiz ...

2011-08-30T08:19:00.000-07:00

Pop Quiz: What does a serrated spoon, a pharmacist and a semi truck all have in common? Think hard, but not too hard because the answer will be found within this simple, little story...the story of how my day started. This one most certainly goes in my "TMI" category, so read only at your own risk...

For the last two weeks, my seven year old son has had a little problem with constipation (fun blog topic, right?) About six days ago, we recognized he was having the issues and thought we needed to do something to help him pass it. First, we tried raisins. Then salad. Then lots of water. When none of those were successful, we visited the pharmacy and they gave us a handy little chalky drink called milk magnesium. According to the directions, he should have passed a bowel movement in at least six hours.

Two more days passed. Nothing. No fever. No stomach cramps. Not even the slightest inclination that he was needing to go. This morning, he woke up in a little bit of pain, which could have also been translated as being up too late last night and wanting to get out of going to school. I had him get dressed for school, with the assurance that we were going to take care of this problem. Today WAS the day.

After I dropped his sister off at school, we went to the closest pharmacy for one last consult before I opted towards going to the pediatrician. I don't know what his name was, but this pharmacist certainly seemed to know what he was talking about. He directed me to the suppository, Dulralax, and assured me that he would have a BM within 5-10 minutes.

Wonderful, I thought. I could barely wait to have this be a part of my day....Me, the parent who throws away underwear if they're soiled instead of washing them because my gag reflex is that sensitive. My, the parent who doesn't do well with any kind of medical issue. Me, the parent who...well, it's just gross. While we were walking out to the car from the pharmacy, I was showing TJ the box and telling him that I was going to have to put it up his buns to help him get his poop out.

"THE BOX?!?" he asked, in disbelief.

"No, not the whole box. Just ONE of the pills inside".

I laughed a nervous laugh and so did he.

At home, we're both kind of pacing around. He, because he doesn't want something up his rear and me, because I don't want to have to put it there. As if we were going in for our final game huddle, we both looked at each other in the eyes and without words, said "Let's do this!"

Suppository, administered. *Whew the hard part's over.

"OK, just go to the toilet when you feel like you have to go."

BUZZZZZZZZ. That pharmacist knew what he was talking about. Except, the hard part wasn't over (no pun intended). I was sitting outside the bathroom coaching him a little. He looked at me with a scared look and asked if he could shut the door for some alone time.

"Um, YES PLEASE!!! Let me know when you're done." I thought...but the parent in me said "Yes, let me know if you need help."

I went on to tell him the story of how the medicine works...There's a party in the toilet and the pill is going to go inside you to invite the poop and tell them to come out and have some fun". It seemed to lighten the mood. I'm pretty sure that's the way they teach it in Med school, too...I could be wrong.

Soon came the tears. The pain. I opened the door to his alligator tears and him crying, begging me to make it stop. I had him bend over and I begged the same thing. I literally had no idea what to do, but I knew I had to do something to help. He had a look of absolute terror in his face, his legs shaking in pain and fear. "I can't do this, Mom! I can't!"

I ran to the kitchen and got the only thing I could think of that would help get it out. A serrated spoon. I literally had to chisel away at his poop. I felt like Tim Robbins in Shawshank Redemption with his hammer, pecking away at the concrete for some reprieve. This went on for a good 5 minutes. Bit by bit, it started to work until finally we had a painful and drawn out successful bowel movement.

I hugged him and wiped his tears. "I'm so proud of you, buddy! SO brave!!!"

My son, being the sports nut he is, responded, "This should be on ESPN."

We laughed.

Later on, when he could recall the incident (which, in his words was "literally the worst experience of my whole life), he told me that "it was like a semi truck was coming out of a tunnel." Additionally he added, "That pharmacy guy is really good. I couldn't have done with without that medicine."

I never thought I'd write a blog about my son's pooping experience.

So now, do you know the answer to the Pop Quiz questions?

Or maybe the question should be, do you wish you DIDN'T.....

Jump Ropin' to Fitness

2011-08-29T21:10:00.000-07:00

When I was young, I loved to jumprope. Even when I got older, I used a jump rope workout to increase my vertical when I was told by my volleyball coach that I was too short to be a hitter. Watching Rocky, one of my favorite parts about the movie was watching him workout and overcome, with a jump rope also playing a part in his success. Summary: I have an obvious love relationship with the jumprope.

Paul and I recently completed one of the items on our 2011 Bucket List of working out for 60 consecutive days. The first few weeks were brutal, but once we got into the swing of things, I really started to particularly enjoy it. One of the more common workouts I did I called the "Backyard Workout". It consisted mostly of plyos that I had done from last summer's boot camp, and jump roping was one of the cardio increments.

It started with 100 each workout. Then Paul and I moved up to 300 with the workout. One inspired and motivated day, it became 500 and then 1000. Now it has become my solo workout, with a few days of running a few miles here and there. I'm excited to see that my love for the jump rope, while silent for years, has not dwindled. In the short time I've been doing it, I notice a difference in my arms, butt, core and calves.

My best workout was 2,600 jumps. I think my next task, however, will be to move towards timed jumping instead of sets and numbers. If I were brave enough, I would take a before and after picture of how my flab is turning to fab, but I've noticed that even my dog gives me a "your a disgrace" look when she sees me less-than-fully-clothed, so I'll hold off on that one. I will, however, keep you up to date with my progress and how I'm doing it. Maybe I'll even let you in on what songs I listened to when I was pumping myself up?

Back to my First Love

2011-08-28T12:00:00.000-07:00

Not a day goes by when I don't want to take pictures. On the rare days when I feel less inclined or motivated to take pictures, I have a burning desire to write. Both writing and photography are undoubtedly my passions in life, my therapy. I write to release what's going on inside of my mind. I take photos to share what's going on inside of my world. The two together enable me to share a deeper part of myself that I typically hide from most. I'm a master at masquerading myself in public, but when I'm involved in my passions, it's a real part of me.

In the past, I've always kept most of it to myself. I'll be honest, I'm scared to death to let people see too much of me. Something within me, which I'm almost certain is the prodding of the Holy Spirit, is telling me that I need to use my passions, and even share them (as uncomfortable as it may be at times), to open up a little more of my real self to others.

I sat down today, after reading other people's blogs for the past couple weeks, and thought about what I could or should write about. I told Paul I wanted ideas of certain things I could write about each day. As an example, I said "Some people give recipes one day, will write about organization ideas another..."

In the middle of me telling him this, he started laughing uncontrollably. He laughs because he understands me (often better than I understand myself) and he knows that me, trying to regulate myself, is a BAD idea! The more routine I put myself into, the more likely I am to try it, and fail at it miserably. The more spontaneous I allow myself to be, the more effective I become. It's only taken me 33 years to figure that out.

So, in the next few weeks, you are going to see more of the real me...I'll share music, lyrics, quotes, pictures, recipes, whatever I feel like it....in an effort to put myself out there a little bit more.

*Sigh*

Back to School

2011-08-17T18:36:00.001-07:00

We’re back in the groove. I can’t remember the last time my kids were tucked into bed and asleep at 8:15 pm.!!!

At Christ Schools, the kids are now entering 2nd and 4th Grade. I love all of the teachers at their school. We have received a wealth of information from the first day back, including handbooks and manuals (almost all of which I’ve nerdily read all the way through). These teachers are the people we have chosen to entrust our children to for a majority of their moldable young lives and that is not a decision we take lightly.

Ultimately, we believe very strongly that it is OUR responsibility as parents to raise our children and teach them, but it also gives us great comfort to know that they are in “good hands”, with people we trust not only with their emotional and physical selves, but with their spiritual nurturing in mind as well.

Last night, we were able to have the whole family over together for dinner. All four of the older kids came along with some of their significant others and we enjoyed time together as the “last night of summer” came to an end. What a great way to start the fall (even though it’s not officially fall yet).

So long, Summer!

2011-08-14T19:31:00.000-07:00

This has by far been the best summer I have ever had with the kids. I think the older they get and the less dependent they become on me for help, the more I am able to enjoy their company and doing new things with them.

I found that I also enjoyed more time in the yard this summer, planting and landscaping, mowing, laying in the hammock Paul got me for Mother's Day, watering the garden, picking home grown veggies with the kids...

But now summer is coming to an end and we just finished our last weekend before school starts. I consider myself tremendously blessed to be able to stay home with the kids. While it's very tough on us financially at times, the reward I get from being with them in the simple moments is life makes it truly worth it.

The kids and I recently started a new thing with writing. Taylyn likes it more than TJ does. I expected that. We found an old journal I had for both of them where I would write to them when they were very young, telling them what I notice about their personalities, what I love about them, silly or fun (or embarrassing things they've said), etc...Anyway, Taylyn came up with the idea that we should both write in the journal. She writes at night before bed and then I write back to her when she's asleep. I have enjoyed this with her SO much. Like me, she seems to express her feelings better to me when she can write them down.

A few nights ago, I brainstormed and wrote about all the different things we've done this summer. Here is what I wrote:

"A few of the things I remember from this summer is our trip to Colorado and hiking, the Omaha zoo, the Walk for Life around Holmes Lake, lemonade stands, Selah (our dog) swimming at Holmes Lake, playing in Scott's hot tub, LOTS of swimming at the Cooper YMCA outdoor pool, Jazz in June, helping TJ learn how to ride his bike, playing with neighbors, dancing in the rain, the "Can you stand it" game (where I would do things and she would have to not laugh), Selah throwing up in my car, basketball camp, VBS at Christ Lutheran and Berean, her saving up all her money to buy her very first iPod with all her earned money, Salt Dogs game, Farmer's Markets, 4th of July in Seward, miniature golf and SOOOO much more!"

We have had a great summer. I'm going to really miss them this year when school starts up again on Monday, but I am looking so forward to them growing up more and learning more how to let their lights shine.

Beautiful and Precious

2011-08-04T06:14:00.001-07:00

There is possibly nothing more humbling than looking into the eyes of a weeping homeless person, finding them speechless and thankful for an amount of money that I can see come and go from my account without the slightest twitch.

Such is the case I experienced yesterday while downtown. I was taking photos for a business when I parked and walked. I saw them on the way there. They barely looked up when I passed, yet I noticed their cardboard sign, dirty faces and long, overgrown fingernails. I looked into my wallet and all I had was a $1 bill. Not much, I thought, but it's all I have. And when they reached out their hands to accept, that is exactly what I told them. "This is all I have."

I gave it to them and they expressed sincere appreciation for being given something without even asking. I went on to take my photos, but their faces kept flashing in my mind. Moreso, the resonance of my ignorant gift of "all I have" was eating me alive like a ravenous snake. It's not all I had. Sure, it was all I had on hand, but it's not all I had to give. It never is.

When I left the photo shoot, I hurried to the closest ATM as fast as I could and pulled out a quick $20. I was excited to take it to them, but not more than I was to sit for a bit and talk to them and tell them what God was laying on my heart: "You are beautiful and precious in the eyes of God. Please don't ever doubt that." And that's' exactly what I told them both. Their surprise for the "large" gift didn't overshadow the words I believe they were begging to hear. They are precious and valuable and loved......

I pray to God I see both of them again someday soon. Until then, I asked if I could take their photos for a reminder to myself to pray for them and remember. As a photographer, I don't just seek to capture images, I want to capture special moments. After wiping tears, I was able to capture what is one of my favorite photos that I've ever taken. The beautiful and precious Judy and Shane.

My Encounter with Boing

2011-05-17T12:21:00.001-07:00

I'm afraid of heights. I'm also claustrophobic. Sometimes I get paranoid about germs when I'm in small spaces with strangers. People, as much as I love them, weird me out.

With all the above in mind, flying on a plane isn't exactly my idea of a great time. Planes make me nervous, yes. But it's usually the people that are IN the planes that make me more nervous. With the warm weather and sun of Texas in front of us and the anticipation of seeing some old friends, Paul and I were both really looking forward to our trip to Austin this past weekend. It was the first time we had been away without the kids, without an agenda from work, for over 3 years. It was something we both definitely needed.

When I finally nestled myself into my aisle seat on my first flight and I adjusted my level of nerves to the seemingly insufficient amount of clean, breathable oxygen on the aircraft, I closed my eyes for a brief moment before becoming aware of the awkward nature of the man sitting across the aisle from me. He seemed a little fidgety, which I can somewhat understand. But what caught my attention more was the fact that he seemed to have purposely resurrected a few worn business cards from his small briefcase. I had a certain sense to what was about to unfold. It didn't take me long to notice the circus horses and clown on his ball cap that matched the business card he was holding. Without looking, I could sense his shifting eyes begging me to ask him for one.

I tried my hardest to avoid his pupils, but I apparently was unsuccessful because it was in no time that his business card was in my hands and we were carrying on a conversation for almost the entire 2 hour flight to Houston. He was a clown. Literally. Without his makeup on, he was traveling to a conference. I dunno, I suppose the clown kind. He managed to whip out a small balloon to make a blue squeaky poodle for the three year old sitting in front of him. Yeah, that was a nice sound to listen to in flight. He offered a few jokes in between random stories he told me about his past and present life. His thumbs were small and that kind of made me giggle without him knowing it. He was a very nice and kind man, fun and easy to talk to and gave us some good laughs and entertainment while on the plane.

Once the landing gear came down and the passengers emerged from the circulated breath that we were so kindly pressurized in for our convenience and comfort, we departed ways and he was never to be seen again. It's a good thing I managed to get his business card, huh? You never know when I may have to call in a clown from out of state and get some good entertainment.

From Monday to Sunday

2011-01-09T18:14:00.000-08:00

From last week to this week, it doesn't seem like that much time. The week flew by and I'm already finding myself at the beginning of a new week. Yet when I look back on this past week, I'm amazed at how much actually happened!

After starting the week with a game night with friends (where I not only learned a new game, but I conquered it), I was quickly reminded of my mortality when I was caught the next day with a 102 fever where I thought, literally, I was going to die. With a cure that could have only come from a freshly scooped out bowl of peppermint icecream, my fever eventually broke and I was somewhat back to normal the next day.

I spent the next day with two people who have become very good friends of our family. Bob, who treated Paul and I to a delicious smoked turkey melt with even more tasty conversation, and Victor, who was in town (an hour away) for business meetings. We drove up to meet Victor that evening and spent time chatting, laughing and reminiscing over fire shrimp, bananas fargo and a good ol' steak from the midwest.

You thought the fun of my week stopped there...but it just kept going. Come Thursday, I was able to have brunch with two of the parents from our children's home in India, Hesed Home, who were in town for greencards and visas and all that stuff. We ate at Greenfields and I ate my most favored chicken salad croissant with a side of fresh fruit. Their little girl, Esther, was along with them and is now 18 months old and WHAT A CUTIE she was. It was fun to hold a little one again.

I took photos of elementary kids the entire next day, from academic time to crazy recess time to even a little bit of lunch time. It was a fun time for me to be able to be close enough to the kids to see them interact, play and learn with their friends at school, but far enough away that I wasn't a distraction to them. After school, I took the kids to McDonalds for an icecream cone (which was supposed to be a secret but apparently the boy can't keep his yapper shut). Paul went to pick up Victor and bring him back down so we could hang out and he could watch my stellar volleyball game that night. After an always-heavenly Runza experience and multiple Sporcle quizzes, we took off to the Rec Center to see my team dominate on the court. What better way to end the evening with homemade mochas and adult conversation while the kids slipped away into their own little worlds.

That brings me to the weekend, which sometimes seems to last twice as long as the weekdays for me for some reason....Friday was a fairly good day as I was able to spend some time in the Apple Store, where I always find myself lost in wonder and awe and want and desire. We walked out of there with nothing but a hard core lesson on what I basically already knew, but it's always cool to see the genius employees walking around in their royal blue shirts. (I want one).

We thought a movie night with one of my friends was in order, but when she canceled to travel up to see her family (LAME!), it became a solo movie night, which meant I get to spread out on as much of the couch as I wanted to and should I choose to fall asleep and snore at any given point, I shall. And I did. But not for long, as the movie Inception is rich in logic and that thingy that makes you have to pay attention so you don't miss anything, even though you miss 62% of it anyway. Great movie, but I do need to watch it again.

Saturday I spent some necessary time at a local coffee shop and made my first coffeeshop purchase of 2011. New Year's Resolution was slightly compromised but altogether, not surrendered. The calendar dared tell me there was nothing scheduled for the day, but it turns out, the Saturday calendar is a big fat liar. We ended up going to a very exciting men's basketball game in which the Nebraska men's basketball team ousted Iowa State in a very thrilling win (minus the 20 minutes of un-thrilling time when we were deadlocked in the parking lot afterwards).

Hard to believe this all happened in just seven days. Feels like nothing much happened, but turns out, when I think about it long enough, I'm really not as pathetic as I once thought I was. Well.....at least a little less.

A Connected Christmas

2010-12-14T07:44:00.000-08:00

The steam from the fresh hot coffee the women are warming their manicured hands with seems to provide the proper amount of fog to hide their vision of just how pointless their conversations are. As they nibble on their overpriced muffins and bagels and hold their heads in sneers of judgment as their ears devour the gossip thrown their way, I wonder if this is the highest point in their day.

Young men meet in suits and ties and shined-up shoes that hide their boyish longings to be accepted and important. With the latest technology in hand and the smartest phone dumbing down their ability to capably interact as a human being with etiquette and manners, they bark back and forth about things they think the other may be impressed with them knowing.

The carefree and offensively bold innuendos from the man old enough to be my grandfather make me initially annoyed. It doesn't take long for me to feel pity for him, however. There is no ring on his finger, maybe no woman in his life to be the recipient of his deep-seeded need to be loved and cared for.

I look out the window to see a young mother, pushing a stroller full of blankets and gift bags, assuming somewhere underneath it all lies a baby depending on her care. Her young toddler follows in the cold, grasping with each of her steps for her mother's hand to hold, but unable to connect. That's when it all makes sense to me.

Each of these people here at the coffee shop today are trying to connect with someone, in their own ways, regardless of how shallow or meaningless it may appear. Let's face it, even by my writing this blog, I'm trying myself to connect on some level with people. The question is, are we able to? Is it just a vain attempt we are all trying to pursue or are we actually making progress?

In this season of tinsel, lights and gift wrap, my heart longs to connect in a deep and personal way to a Baby that was born in a manger, not a fat man in a red suit and an unattended to beard. I want to connect to people who need to know that there's a Man who was born to die, with no agenda other than to absorb the cost of our failures and mishaps.

"He made Him who knew NO sin to BE sin on our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him." 2 Corinthians 5:21 (NASV - emphasis mine)

You Tube Favorites

2010-12-03T11:53:00.000-08:00

A few of my favorite You Tube vids. Felt the need to share...

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Bucket Listing

2010-12-01T19:16:00.000-08:00

I think the phrase "Bucket List" is a dumb phrase. Part of my own personal Bucket List may be actually accomplishing the re-phrasing or elimination of that. Nonetheless, I have a few of my own and it seems I am starting to accomplish a few of them (very few).

There are a few things I've always wanted to do in my life.

Visit Venice, Italy.
Learn karate.
Train as a body builder.
Take a belly dancing class.

Well, scratch that last one off the list because this sister has completed it.

BOOM!
Watch out, Shakira. There's a new girl on the block....

Bucket List THAT!

The Longest Chapter

2010-11-21T11:36:00.001-08:00

"Life is an adventure and a never-ending exploration of the heart."

I don't know where that quote came from or who said it. Today, I don't really care. I need to write today. A lot of times, I feel like it's all I have. Such a time is this.

We're closing in on yet another year. I'm sitting here in my living room with the rest of the family busy and I'm given a chance to just sit in quietness and just reflect on my life, particularly this last year. What have I accomplished this past year? What have I regretted? What has made me laugh or cry or smile or be angry?

I'm at a point in my life where I feel (FEEL being the emphasized word) that nothing is really changing. It feels like I've reached the longest chapter in my life and all I'm doing is writing about the same stuff over and over again. I feel like I have reached a point in my life where the only thing that changes is that each day gives me more and more opportunities to hurt or disappoint another person.

To me, I have experienced most things in life one could hope for...the love of a family, the devotion of a spouse, true love, richness and fullness of salvation and my joy in seeing my children grow up in the Lord. The innocence of children is such a beautiful and convicting thing. I am often forced to step back and ask myself "When did you actually GROW UP?" Where did my childhood go and when did I make the transition of being an immature, inexperienced kid to an immature, inexperienced adult? Where and when did all this responsibility shift to my corner?

I have realized the past several days in dealing with my own personal inner turmoil that so much of my time has been taken up by the whole "it's not fair" syndrome. Perhaps that's what made me an official adult...the point in which I could recognize that life is, in fact, NOT fair...to be able to simply step back, accept it and be able to acknowledge that life is full of uncertainties and inequities...and to be able to tip my hat and say "This hurts like hell....but it's okay."

If there is anything I've learned this past year, it has been the fact that life is destined to change. Good or bad, it ALWAYS changes. I've heard a lot of advice in my life, most of which has gone in one ear and out the other. But there has been a piece of advice from Abba that has always stayed with me. "Be still...know that I (not you, dear Kasey) am God." It is because of this one truth, this one piece of advice that has never faltered in my mind, that I know I am always adding new chapters in this life of mine. And regardless of how mundane or simple or complex or impossible the script appears, the Author is nothing but.

At the end of the day

2010-11-10T18:45:00.000-08:00

The house is quiet. The kids are asleep. The only sound I hear is the muffled vibration of the washing machine downstairs and an occasional car driving past the house. It's the moment I've been waiting for since the moment I awakened, yet when it comes, I find myself lost with no intention with what to do next.

These moments don't come often, especially at night. But when they do, I cherish every second. I look a little longer at the moon. I hear the lyrics of music with more passion. My thoughts and imagination become more vivid as I dare to close my eyes and lose myself half way between a daydream and reality.

It's the end of the day. It's that time when the busyness of the day catches up with the longing for the night. I let my shoulders drop. I take my mental armor off. I drop my shoulders and release my childlike fears into the salvation of my soul and smile for having made it through one more day.

Sometimes it never feels so good to exhale as it does during moments like these, when the world starts to make the slightest bit of sense. No questions are asked that I have no answers to. Nothing expected, nothing denied, nothing happening other than the surrendered unraveling of my mind and heart into the hope that tomorrow is going to be a better day.

Nothing Can Separate

2010-11-04T19:13:00.000-07:00

I am a Christian. In today's world, the society and culture we live in, it almost feels like that's a word we just don't want to say too loudly or a title we may hesitate to admit. Why are so many Christians so afraid to claim Christ as the center of their lives?

It was once said that 1% of people will read the Bible, the other 99% will read the Christian. I don't know about you, but that feels like a whole lot of pressure on us as representatives of Christ. I'll be honest with you, if you were to take a deep enough look into my life (and you wouldn't have to dive in too far), you would certainly find a whole list of things that would be able to contradict my claim to Christianity by choices I make and things I engage in or accept.

Truth be told: 99% of the time, if you're looking at my life to find Jesus, you simply won't find it. I'm not a great example of spirituality. I don't pray as often as I should or would like to. I don't carry my Bible with me everywhere I go. I don't exclude R rated movies from my choices of cinema viewing. I gossip, I lie, I covet. I want things that aren't mine and am discontent with the things that are. I judge people before giving them a chance, I engage in conversations that are far from uplifting, I laugh at jokes even if I don't think they're appropriate because more often than not, I'm more concerned with hurting someone's feelings than hurting the heart of God. I doubt God a lot of times. Even more times, I don't truly believe He loves me or even could. I allow sins into my life, knowing full well the hurt they cause, and I justify them. Why? Because I'm selfish to the core and utterly incapable of anything pure and perfect within myself. My music choices are shady. I like to debate just for the sake of giving the underdog the benefit of the doubt. I don't trust people. I'd rather buy new running shoes than put that money in the offering plate. Without beating myself up too much, let's just face it...that certainly doesn't sound like your best example of a Christian, huh?

Well, it's not. And I'm not even sure if I'm willing to apologize for that truth. You won't see a model of perfection when you look into my life, regardless of how much I try to show it to the outside world. But what you will see is a dirty, rotten scoundrel, a misfit and menace, a trouble-maker and rebellious self promoter who has found the beauty of the redeeming love of Christ on the cross. You will find a simple person, broken and bruised, who is desperately in need of a Savior. As I wrestle daily (even hourly) with believing that God could possibly love someone like me, there is always that tender voice of comfort in the depth of my heart. It reminds me that I am loved, just as I am, and nothing can separate me from that love...even if it's disbelief in that love. Romans 8 reminds me constantly that NOTHING can separate me from the love of Christ.

"Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?....NO! In all these things, we are made more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:35-39)

I don't know about you, but I think that's a pretty hefty list. No matter how much I doubt it, no matter how much I run from it or even taint it's truth to the unbelieving world looking at me for answers, NOTHING can change the fact that God loves each and every one of us. Not only is that encouraging, but to me, it's irresistible. How can you not fall in love with God, who promises to love you no matter what and that nothing will ever take that love away? Isn't that exactly the kind of earthly love we long for in our relationships with others? Isn't that exactly the void that faces our society?

Being a Christian certainly doesn't mean you have to be perfect. To me, it means opening yourself up to the possibility of unconditional Love and finding it to be the most satisfying thing in the world. Every day I fail, every day He picks me back up. That's the truth of my life as a Christian. It's really just that simple.

(The above picture is my all-time favorite picture, painted by Thomas Blackshear)

Positive Pain?

2010-10-12T10:15:00.001-07:00

One of my favorite movies of all time is G.I. Jane. It was a movie made in 1997 that starred Demi Moore. The movie was mostly famous because there was a scene where Demi Moore, wanting to fit in with her male GIs, shaves her head (for real). The movie is inspirational to me, not as a woman's lib fanatic or even an armed forces activist, but because what it signifies as far as perseverance.

I could go on and on with different parts of the movie that are my "favorite parts". Like the time when she refuses to go by different training standards just because she's a woman. Or the time when she tells her doubting boyfriend that the more people try to mess with her, the more she wants to gut it out (said with gritted teeth). Or the time when she endures a beating from her Master Chief and earns the respect of her comrades.

But one of my all time favorite lines in that movie is in regards to enduring pain. Said by the Master Chief in training:

"Pain is your friend, your ally. It will tell you when you are seriously injured. It will keep you awake and angry, and remind you to finish the job and get the hell home. But you know the best thing about pain? It lets you know you're not dead yet."

Perhaps that's a little grim. But I can't argue with the fact that pain, when endured, always leads to greater results. Working out with sore muscles is a very tangible way to relate to that. This week, it seems as though I've been surrounded by pain...whether it's pain I've caused, pain I've seen, pain I've endured, even pain from past experiences that I'm being forced to confront head on because I never dealt with them before. Let's face it. No one asks for pain. But when you come through a painful situation, you always feel better and stronger for having gone through it.

I was waiting in a hospital waiting room on Tuesday. Waiting, thinking, contemplating, wondering. I heard a distant sound of what seemed to be a cry, which very soon after turned to wails and people leaving the waiting room in obvious distress. Something had obviously happened, something painful, and their reaction was heartbreaking. I had to leave the room to go to the restroom and as I did, there were three young teens standing outside the door, sobbing.

I don't normally hug strangers. I love hugs, but strangers....meh, that's just weird. But something inside me told me they needed a hug, even from a stranger. Maybe something even stronger inside of myself said I needed a hug just as much. So I walked over to these two strangers, with hurting hearts and eyes full of pain, and hugged them. They cried harder. They hugged back. I had no idea what to say. Afterall, I didn't even know their names. As we embraced, I just told them that I don't know what they're going through or what they just heard, but I told them I would be praying for them in this moment, this hour of need.

After a short while and after regaining composure, we spoke for a little while and I got their names. Cancer. The news of cancer in the spine of their friend was causing them this pain, their friend who had just gone in for back surgery to ease his pain. And we talked about how it's better to catch cancer before it spreads to far so this can be attacked head on.

Pain sucks. Recovering from pain sucks even more. But the end result of enduring pain always far outweighs the pain itself. We become stronger, better, wiser, happier. We love more. We hurt less. We grow. So perhaps pain, when all is said and done, is actually one of the most positive things in our lives we can endure.

Morning Mayhem

2010-10-05T06:58:00.000-07:00

I'm annoyed. With myself. Highly. Why do I feel like I've started 87% of my blogs that same exact way?

My morning has been a little bit crazy. My plan was to sit quietly at a coffee shop on a cool, brisk morning while I listen to music and sort through recent photos I've snapped in an attempt to compose somewhat of a portfolio for myself.

BUZZZZZ. WRONG!

My morning, first of all, consisted of a hurried, out-the-door rush to get the kids ready to school. In the midst of that mayhem, I managed to somehow remember to bring my computer, but not the key elements that would make my previously mentioned planned morning possible. I reached in my computer bag, no headphones. *Grunt* I unzipped the front pocket on my bag, no external hard drive (which contains all my photos) *Grunt louder* I'm pretty sure I rolled my eyes in immature frustration at some point.

Deep breath. Count to ten. Exhale annnnnnnnnd......

Well, here I am. Blogging again. I suppose when all the other distractions are too elusive for me to grab onto, this is where I land. It was pointed out to me from some of the people who read my blog that July 14th was my last blog entry. Okay, let's not kid ourselves...the ONE person who reads my blog pointed it out to me. Whatever, at least I'm here now.

I'm going to start to try to blog more consistently. I know I've said that before, but it really is good for me to be able to sit down and occasionally write things down. Hope you don't mind hearing a little more from me from time to time. Until then, I'm going to sit and enjoy my warm pumpkin muffin and hot mocha!

Goal Acheived!

2010-07-14T09:30:00.001-07:00

Thought you would be happy to know that I beat my best mile time in boot camp this morning by 12 seconds and beat my personal goal by 8 seconds. That being said, I have to set some new goals for myself....today, my basic goal is to not pass out. With a heat index of 115 and the humidity just a smidge below the makeup of fog, it feels like a Nebraska summer day today! WHEW!

As far as my gross ankle fungus goes, I'm taking the pills I freaked out about in the post below and it seems to be clearing up some. It still itches every once in awhile but for the most part, thumbs up on no kidney failure or fatality so far. Woot!!!

Not a whole lot to write about, so I'm just gonna swim through this air and call it a post. Out for now, ya'll.

Yes, I'm A Prescription Pill Paranoid Freak

2010-07-09T10:50:00.001-07:00

****NEWSFLASH****I HATE TAKING PILLS!!!!! If I ever end up unconscious at any point in my life and there is a bottle of pills next to my lifeless body, let it be known that you should start an immediate investigation into a homicide because an overdose on PILLS would NEVER be my method of choice for suicide.

That's a demented way of making my point. But it's true.

I have something on my ankle that has now been diagnosed from a biopsy as being a "skin fungus". Don't gross out from the picture below, and don't judge.The stitches are from the biopsy they took. And it's shiny because I put stuff on it.

After putting Neosporin and Cortizone on it for weeks, even months, it never cleared up. So the dermatologist I visited decided to put me on a medication that is supposed to clear it up. I wasn't looking forward to taking one pill a day anyway, for any reason. So, when I started to read the side effects of this medication, I became even more paranoid about it.

SIDE EFFECTS:
Diarrhea, stomach upset, or temporary change or loss of taste may occur. Many people using this medication do not have serious side effects. This drug has RARELY (emphasis mine) caused serious (possibly fatal) liver disease. Tell your doctor immediately if you develop symptoms of liver disease, including persistent nausea, loss of appetite, severe stomach/abdominal pain, dark urine, vomiting, yellowing eyes/skin (can that happen for black people?). Seek medical attention if you notice any symptoms of a serious allergic reaction, including rash, itching/swelling (especially of the face/tongue/throat), severe dizziness, trouble breathing...

Um, is it just me or does it seem like the risks of taking this medication don't exactly outweigh the benefits? Should it be known that I just overcame months of severe abdominal pain? Now I'm possibly adding it back into my life. And all to clear up what is pretty much just an unsightly itch? It almost feels like amputation seems less of a risk.

I'm still considering taking the meds. I paid for them, afterall. But don't think I won't first be reconsidering the amount of life insurance I have or updating my will. Let it be known that I disagree with the whole "benefit is greater than the risk" disclaimer on the notes.

A Little This, A Little That

2010-07-07T07:44:00.001-07:00

OK, so it's been awhile. A lot going on and a lot to talk about so it's hard for me to just pinpoint one thing to blog about today. Imagine that!

Well, the 4th of July is over which means that summer is halfway over, too. I can't say that I feel I have a whole lot to show for it, either. Most days when it comes time to turn down the lights, I wonder what, if anything, I actually accomplished. I forget how hard it is to get things done and stay focused when I have the kids at home. Add to that the mix of their neighbor friends, and I can go MAYBE five minutes without some kind of interruption. Oh, I long for those days when they're in school and I can go to a coffeeshop and sit for hours and work listen to music and actually get something done other than rejoicing at yet another successful 4 load laundry day completed.

We had a very busy and active 4th of July weekend with friends. This is the first 4th is YEARS that I haven't spent it with family as my sister didn't come back from Texas. It was hard to be away from family, I will admit that. But it was also fun to do something different and mix up our routine a bit. One things I've realized lately about myself is how much routine really makes me anxious and uneasy. I'm beginning to dislike predictability and status quo much more than I even did before.

The bad part of the holiday weekend was spraining my left ankle playing basketball. I worried about how it would effect me in boot camp, if I would even be able to go anymore because it hurt quite bad the day after. Today I went to boot camp for the first time since spraining it and ran the mile and actually did fairly well, all things considered. I figured it had to be better than laying in bed, staring at the back of my eyelids.

So, there you have a very short version of what I've been up to. I wish I had kept up on writing more about each thing I did this past week because much of it really was quite fun and entertaining. Maybe next time.

Fishing with Big Papa

2010-06-30T05:30:00.000-07:00

If there's one thing I think of when I think of my Dad, it's fishing. There is something very familiar about my Dad, this man I barely knew growing up and whom I barely see or talk to even now. My memories of my Dad consist mostly of fishing, cards, pawn shop and thrift stores and the sweet smell of pipe tobacco.

Yesterday while I was laying in bed, trying to catch up on sleep that escaped me the night before, I looked at my phone to check the time and saw at that very moment my Dad was calling. Normally I would have missed the call because my phone is on silent at night. So, I answered the phone and he had asked if I wanted to go fishing with him and the kids. Knowing I really had nothing at all on my schedule, I agreed to the possibility of being able to get the kids up and present to fish in one hour's time.

I hustled to get the kids up and prepare some snacks. My kids are both like me when it comes to culinary needs. I knew that if there wasn't something to snack on (for ALL of us, mostly ME), things would get cranky REAL fast. It was a perfect morning to fish and be outside. As my Dad sat in his fishing chair, smoking his pipe, wearing his all-too worn overall jeans (that are another story in themselves), I untangled half the lake's share of moss from the kid's fishing lines as my Dad and I laughed and joked, reminisced and made fun of each other.

It wasn't long before he caught a catfish on the line. We had to pull it through a bunch of moss, but the cool part was that he let TJ reel it in. TJ hasn't ever caught a fish before, so he thought he was pretty cool to be able to reel a fish in. We didn't stay on that side of the lake much longer as the kids were getting obviously impatient and I was spending a majority of my time taking moss off their lines and untangling their poles.

We decided to trek to the other side of the lake. After a few casts, a parks & rec employee stopped by to check the water level of the very full lake, and advised us to try dropping our lines just off the dock instead of casting out. After doing that, maybe 10 minutes later, we caught another catfish. This one, I reeled in most of, but he was strong and by the looks of him, I would have sworn it was a distant cousin of Jaws. After pulling him up with the net and reaffirming to myself why I don't swim in lakes, we had our second catfish on the stringer and were on the hunt for one more. Yes, I'm fishing in a dress. Yes, the fish is bleeding. And yes, it grossed me out.

Long story short, we caught 3 catfish and brought them home to clean. What I did NOT know is that my Dad was planning to not just show me how to clean a catfish, but teach me. Translation: I was doing it. I don't do well with murder, even when it's little spiders and cockroaches that I HATE. So slicing into a fish that is still alive, gills breathing and gasping for air while it's mouth mutters "MOM.....MOM", it was not the easiest task for me. BUT....I did it and consequently, made supper for what we will be eating tonight. The pic is kinda sick, but I'm pretty proud of myself for actually doing it. Check it out...

Overall, it was a great memory and a fun morning to spend with my Dad. Those moments don't happen very often and when they do, they often time seem rushed. The kids enjoyed themselves and I'd have to say, I think it was a pretty special morning for my Dad as well.

Blogger's Block

2010-06-23T12:38:00.000-07:00

I've been told I need to blog more. Apparently (despite the blinding absence of comments on ANY of my blogs *ahem*), people still occasionally read what I have to say. But I'm finding it hard to find anything to write about. I have plenty on my mind and plenty to say, but it takes an even greater part of me to be able to believe that any of those thoughts and feelings would be worthy of a blog, especially the ones that I'm not even sure should be worthy of being in my mind. So, if this post sounds a bit random, it's because it is. That's kinda the way I operate.

Today marks the second week of boot camp ending. Because of recent rain, we didn't work out at the lake all week. Today we went to a local high school and ran on the track. It brought back memories of track work outs in high school and even though my track career ended about 15 years ago, I still heard voices in my head during different points in my run. "SURGE!!!!!" "STEADY, NOW...PACE!" "GO....GO NOW! PUSH!!!!" Ahhh, I had a love/hate relationship with track and consequently with my track coaches as well. However, I attribute those voices in my head to me taking 20 additional seconds off my mile time this morning. It was a great workout and I'm already showered and ready to start my day. The downside is that I've actually gained a little bit of weight during bootcamp. The upside is that I can already see and feel the tone and change in my body. Good thing I still have six more weeks to work on it. As long as I continue to fit into clothes that I previously discounted as useless, I'm happy.

All in all, summer has been going pretty well. I'm realizing more that I only have about 4-5 weeks left of summer since we're apparently going to be gone most of August before school starts. That makes me a little nervous and uneasy, but I don't really have a say in it. 'Til then, I'm plugging away day to day, one day at a time, taking what I can get and enjoying what I've been given.

Bye Bye Oreo

2010-06-19T11:39:00.000-07:00

The cat referred to two posts down has been taken back to his owner, 5 blocks away. Made me carry him the whole way there and promise to write. Dumb cat.

Week 1 Boot Camp, Under the Belt

2010-06-18T11:10:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting on the couch in my living room and I can barely find the energy to blink. I am completely to blame for the amount of exhaustion I am facing today. With the Lakers playing in Game 7 of the NBA finals and it being against the Boston Celtics, my sleep was the certain price I was willing to pay.

I had it in my mind that boot camp was going to be a bit easier today because it was Friday. But I forgot...this is boot camp. We don't have easy days. "Easy" is not exactly in the vocab for boot camp. So today, we (as in the drill sergeant leaders who claim this is going to be worth it in the end) ran around Holmes Lake, a whole 2.5 miles of a workout. Normally I walk and run that when I work out, but I DON'T normally stop to do pushups, plyos and calisthenics.

I don't mind running. In fact, I have developed a little bit of a taste for it. But my taste for it is tested when I am thrown into the buffet of boot camp. With the running and lack of sleep, I am read for a nap and MORE than willing to stare at the back of my eyelids for a minute or twenty...

But I am happy to say that I have made it through the first full week of boot camp. I can hardly wait to see what next week holds for me....(that's the lack of sleep talking, pay no attention to it..)

Here Kitty Kitty

2010-06-17T06:41:00.000-07:00

FACT: I don't like cats.

For one, I think they are arrogant. They go and do as they please, always seeming to have a superior attitude when they blink. For another, they're unpredictably sneaky. If a cat chooses, it will pounce on you for no reason whatsoever other than to watch you scare. Yet another, they're inappropriate with all their licking and public bathing. Gross.

But yesterday, I found in myself the capacity to show Oreo, a black and white cat galavanting around our house, that I'm willing to look past his faults and show love. For whatever reason, he found his way to our house from a few blocks away. He has a tag and I've called the owners several times with no success.

So for now, he has become our cat, but ONLY outdoors! I refuse to let this cat work his way into my heart and home, claiming all furniture and counters as his own! (Not to mention, it helps keep the kids outside!)

But in the meantime, I made a special trip to the store to get Oreo some delicious canned food, tender slices of real veal and chicken in gravy.

Dumb cat.

Save A Place For Me

2010-06-16T07:05:00.000-07:00

I left for boot camp this morning at 5:15. I got in my car, sore and stiff and barely able to sit without effort, and I had to smile at the song that was playing on the radio. It's a song by Matthew West called "Save A Place For Me", singing about a loved on in heaven waiting for him. But I laughed when I got into the car because the first lyrics of the song echoed exactly what my body was screaming to me at the time.

"Don't be mad if I cry, it just hurts so bad sometimes..."

OK, so it wasn't so bad that I was going to cry, but I was very sore and wondered how I was going to make it through another hour long session this morning. At least it put a smile on my face.

This morning's boot camp was the hardest yet. I think that every time, though, so maybe it's just because it's the most fresh in my mind. Today we ran a timed mile at the beginning of boot camp. I run at a very slow pace, usually because I just want to run a certain amount of time, not distance. Let me put it this way: I'm awesome at pacing myself :) So, today I crossed the finish line at a 9:22 pace. Not bad, considering most of my miles either on treadmill or outside are done at about a 12 minute pace. But when I consider myself back in high school running and how an 8 minute mile seemed slow to me, I have a lot of progress to make!

We did our stations today again...mountain climbers, pushups, air squats, plank, etc..I love the group of ladies I'm with and the leaders who are pushing us. Without them, I wouldn't be doing this. There's an element of accountability, especially amongst women with a common work out goal, that makes the commitment to this kind of pain, this early in the morning, much more bearable.

So far, so good....now to get through the rest of the day, that may be the bigger challenge....

Strength and Power

2010-06-14T05:54:00.000-07:00

"He gives strength to the weary and power to the weak..." That is the verse we're focusing on in the boot camp I recently began with a group of women. And trust me, at 5:30 in the morning, the only thing I can think of is being weak (and hungry...and tired...and...)

Because we were traveling the first week it started, I wasn't able to join boot camp until the end of it's first week, which was this past Friday. And while starting up on Friday gave me two full days of recovery opposed to just one, I also didn't realize until this morning that Friday was one of the easier days due to it being the end of the week.

HELLO MONDAY!

All I have to say is "OUCH!" Friday we ran, practically non-stop. But this morning, we did things to my body that seems only fitting for maybe a boxer training for the Golden Gloves or something else ridiculous. We ran, we bear crawled, we crab walked, we tricep dipped, ab crunched, plied, pushed up and grunted through an hour of intense working out. And though I hated it at the time, I LOVE the discipline as well as accountability and encouragement of working out with other women in this way.

The reminder through our verse has come to me on many more levels than just physical. These next 8 weeks are going to be a test not only to my physical condition and stamina but also to my mental and spiritual strength as well. I'm already facing the correlation between the two, leaning on the power and strength God gives and enables me with to work through things in my life.

So as far as boot camp goes, so far so good. Will keep you posted with the progress.

2010-06-10T15:28:00.000-07:00

It's hard to sum up the last week in one blog post, but being the cheapskate I am, I refused to pay $9.99 for internet service at a posh hotel that should be offering it free in the first place. Therefore, my internet connection was skim at best for the past seven days. Oh well...it is what it is.

This last week, we spent time traveling down to a wedding in New Mexico, Paul's nieces wedding. Kelsey and Wristen are two of my favorite people in the world and one of the greatest couples I know. Other than Wristen being a Celtics fan, he's a pretty amazing guy. And Kelsey...well, I don't think she has an ounce of anything bad within her. They're great people. It's always a great time being around Paul's family as we don't get to see them as much as we do my own family (especially the New Mexico clan).

I have to admit, the wedding was outside the box for me. I'm a very simple person and this wedding was about as high class as it gets. I'm not complaining...it was nice to feel spoiled and see all the elegance and class. I ate caviar for the first time (blech!), compliments of the Russian side of our "family" (by close relationship, not blood) and learned how to drink Russian vodka the right way. Paul's brother's newly built house (by his new son-in-law, mind you) was breathtaking and had an even more awe-inspiring view of both the mesa and the mountains of Albuquerque. It was quite the experience and I was so proud of my kids as flower girl and ring bearer in the wedding. They were SO cute all dressed up and I got a lot of compliments on their personalities, which made Mama Bear proud! I got to eat the best of Mexican food, play the maracas with a mariachi band, go on a carriage ride, meet lots of new people. Overall, it was just a spectacular celebration of love, two people who have been committed to each other in dating longer than most are in marriage!

After the wedding we headed up to Buena Vista, CO to do some camping and break up the trip back to Nebraska. We stayed two nights camping under the brilliant stars at night and camping and fishing by day. The kids really did a spectacular job hiking, I'm not sure they complained once about the heat being tired. I love providing my kids with memories and even more, I LOVE being able to put a smile on their faces. Few things bring me greater joy than seeing my children smile and happy.

There are so many more details I'm leaving out, but that's the cliff's note version of this past week for us. Tomorrow, as promised, I start boot camp, so I'll be blogging about that, so long as I can move and use my fingers. Paul has already mentally prepared himself for my complaints, particularly the next two weeks. EIGHT weeks of physical discipline, here I come! WOOT!!!

A Gift or Not a Gift. That Is The Question.

2010-06-02T05:32:00.000-07:00

I have a gift (at least I call it a gift) that I believe very few people have. It's not something I necessarily like, however. It's actually something that is a little bit disturbing to me in many ways, because it effects me every day, without fail. This gift is the very real and powerful knowledge, and consequently respect of, the omnipotence of God.

Not only do I have the sense of His power, but also His control. From the time I was very young, I remember being taught by word and experience, that nothing happens outside of the control of God. I have constantly been reminded also that, though we may not always see His plan, it's HIS plan. HE is God, not I. And in retrospect to each and every difficult thing I have gone through, I have been able to see His plan at work.

That being said, I have a calming, yet ominous sense of mortality, my own and those around me. Every morning when I wake up, I give consideration to the fact that it very well may be my last day on earth or the last day of someone I love. When tragedies happen and I hear people say "I just never thought it would happen to me", I can't relate. I think everything WILL happen to me. It arouses in me a deeper sense of gratefulness at times, being thankful for being given one more day.

But at the same time it can be quite paralytic. Often times I find myself not wanting to get too close to others because I'm not quite certain I could handle the pain of losing them. Other times, I don't take risks I want to take because I feel I'm not ready for my time to be up. I hear sirens, and I'm certain it's someone I know or love. I constantly think of exit points when I'm in a public venue, just in case a gunman shows up. I can't sit at restaurants with my back to the door. That borders on being just good old fashioned paranoid!

While I appreciate the feeling of always feeling like "something bad" CAN happen at any given moment, it's also a rather frustrating place to be in. I trust few, I love even fewer. Sometimes I don't even trust myself. This feeling, however, also contributes to my spontaneous and "fun" side, enjoying and loving life because I don't want to miss out on anything. Yet not a morning goes by when I get into my car and I don't think about it being my last time. Not a night passes where I don't kiss my kids and thank God for giving them to me for one more day.

I still can't figure out if this "gift" is a bad or a good thing. Maybe it's a smidge of both. And I'm working on trusting people more, loving with a little more risk and just being plain ol' thankful for each and every moment I'm given on this crazy earth.

Unleash the Hounds

2010-05-20T12:20:00.000-07:00

Really, that title has nothing to do with this blog. I actually don't even really know what it means but it sounded cool and somewhat catchy to get your attention. Well, it got mine at least.

So, here's the deal. The next two months, I will hopefully be blogging with much more consistency because I have some pretty exciting things to talk about. The summer is shaping up to be packed full of different things, none of which include me by a swimming pool, thank you very much. I'm not a water person (unless, of course, it's being thrown in someone's face with some level of unbridled hilarity. Oh gee, I've already found myself sidetracked, haven't I?

We'll be traveling some with Tiny Hands as well as the golf tournament in July, the kids are in a wedding, we have a couple bagged that we are forcing to hang out with us and in perfect spontaneous and dramatic Kasey fashion, I decided to sign up for 8 weeks worth of boot camp lake workouts this summer. Three days a week at 5:30am, yes sireee. Before you know it, I'll be wearing awkwardly tight camouflage shorts with reflective sunglasses to cover my eyes, doing one-armed pushups as I balance myself between two chairs. (G.I. Jane with Demi Moore is one of my favorite movies of ALL time). I'm not planning on shaving my head, but you just never know what mood I may find myself in.

That being said, stay tuned for some commentary on how the next several weeks shape up (not pun intended) for us. Expect photos that may make no sense, blogs that may be only 3 lines of entry and an onslaught of things that most likely will NOT draw the interest of any new readers whatsoever. But believe me you, the hounds are being unleashed, and it's gonna be a BLAST!

Moonshine

2010-05-19T07:16:00.000-07:00

Did you know there are hundreds of songs written about the moon? Probably my first recollection of a moon song was listening to Frank Sinatra and Tony Bennett (Blue Moon and Fly Me To The Moon). I'm not that old, but my eclectic music tastes began at a very young age. I remember watching the old Cybil Shepard and Bruce Willis TV show, Moonlighting. As a child, I remember a movie (the name of it slips me now) about the little mouse that gets lost and he sings to the moon, knowing that home and where he was lost were both under the same moon. Painters are inspired by it, religions operate their years according to it and doctors will even swear that it has an effect of the number of ER patients on any given time of the month. Whether subliminally or intentionally, I have always been influenced and inspired by looking at the moon.

Undoubtedly, the most exotic and captivating times are when the moon is full and bright. A full moon is a beautiful thing. I could (and sometimes do) get lost in it for hours. Seeing a full moon has a calming, yet intriguing appeal to me. It often times will literally mesmerize me into a state of complete relaxation as no other earthly element can do. It's as if I have a million conversations with it without even saying a word.

And while the full moon does take the cake in my books, the moon in the slightest sliver is equally as detrimental in causing my mind to escape. The sliver moon makes me want more, to anticipate the next day and the next day to when I can have more of it. As certain as the setting and rising sun, the moon waxes and wanes and allows me slight or full glances. Regardless of a cloudy, overcast night or a crystal clear evening, the moon and it's beauty and attitude are always present, whether seen or unseen, felt or void. You'd think I'd know which moon I would get from night to night, but truth be told, I don't really keep track. I take what I can get and I appreciate every time I'm able to see it.

The obvious truth to the beauty of the moon lies in the beauty of God, the Creator. The sun is one thing, it gives us daylight and energy and many other benefits. We can appreciate it's heat (and sometimes complain about it) but we can't ever stare at it like we can the moon. And we never have to fear hiding from it or protecting ourselves from it like we do with the intensity of the sun. I've always thought the moon was one of God's greatest gifts to mankind. Turns out, that's one thing I've been right about!

A Quiet Day

2010-05-17T06:50:00.000-07:00

I'm in one of my quiet moods today. When this happens, I can't even really explain why. The unfortunate thing is that it is extremely noticeable when I get in these moods because I'm.....well, I'm not my normal boistrous, obnoxious self. But there are some days when I just like to be alone inside my head with my thoughts, working through issues, praying, asking myself questions and trying to answer them.

It's not a moody thing. It's not that I'm upset or bothered by anything specific or even in general. It's just a thing I occasionally go through for no apparent reason other than that it is part of my mixed up personality. I think today is one of those days I'd just rather be at home reading a book. That's all. I have too much in my mind.

My Babies

2010-05-12T06:38:00.000-07:00

Each child has their own unique personality. Every single parent knows that. I actually think every child knows that, too. I, for example, happen to know that I am my mother's favorite child. It's never been said out loud, but it's an unspoken fact. Within my own family, there are nibblets of each of my kid's personalities that I absolutely love and adore in each of them. Then there are, of course, other facets of their personalities that I think certainly could have ONLYL come from their father's side! There is NO way I would have any DNA influence in Taylyn's moments of minimal annoyances becoming CNN breaking news moments of necessary panic. And certainly the all-or-nothing competitive attitude T.J. has adopted came from the Yates chromosome!

But once I am out of the moment, once the the initial shock of "I have no idea how to respond to that" wears off and I realize they did, indeed, get most of their psychotic side from me, I start to forget that side of them and I am set back by what wonderful, beautiful human beings they are.

Recently, Taylyn asked me if she could stay up a little bit later past her bedtime because she wanted to read the Bible in her bed. How do you say no to that? "I recognized something," she went on to say. (She likes to use the word recognized) "I have been spending a lot of time with my friends and reading other books and I haven't been reading as much from God's word."

After spending some time in her bed reading Genesis with her, she informed me that she wanted to read the whole Bible. She looked inquisitively at me and said, "Mom, did you know that every time you read the Bible, it helps you grow in your faith?" Seriously? She's 8. And that night, she convicted my heart (and mind) in my need to spend more time reading God's word and growing in my faith.

T.J. has always had a servant's heart. He loves to do things for other people and he is often thinking of other people. In recent months, it has grown even more and lucky for me, he is projecting much of it to me! On Mother's Day, I was just rolling out of bed when he came bright-eyed into the bedroom with a full bowl of cereal (Peanut Butter Captain Crunch, one of my favorites in case you were wondering). As he stood proud in his Power Ranger underwear and Chicago Bulls long-sleeved long john shirt, he explained to me that he did it ALL by himself and that he put all the stuff away already.

It wasn't long after that, maybe a few days, when he came into my room after getting ready for school and asked me what kind of cereal I wanted for breakfast. I told him to not worry about it because I was just planning to eat an apple for breakfast. Less than a minute later, I was greeted with my bed-head boy presenting me with an apple he had picked out "just for me" for breakfast.

With all their crazy moments aside, all the times I have to separate the fights, all the moments when I question if I'm really cut out for this parenting thing, I am reminded more of the joy thye bring into my life and the ways they have taught and changed me. What a gift these kids are to me!

Hello Breakfast, Kasey-Style

2010-04-28T08:18:00.000-07:00

This is what I had for breakfast this morning. When this happens, it means you just smile and don't ask questions or judge me for my bad decisions, or heads may roll! Last night, I was frantically scavenging around the cupboards for the remainder of my Hershey's with almond bar when, much to my dismay, it was gone. I knew exactly where I had put it last. Trust me, I'm like a dog hiding it's precious bone when I place my chocolate down for completion at a later date. Paul confessed that he ate the rest of it, to help me resist the pulling forces of temptation.

Speaking of bad decisions, that one chalks up to a major bad decision on the part of my husband. So, after I played volleyball last night, with much more tenacity than most nights, due to the release of my frustration), I stopped at the store to get not just one, but TWO Hershey bars with almonds.

For the next five days, you do not reserve the right to judge me for my actions. There are just some things not intended to be dealt with in a rational way. Take note.

I've Got A Name

2010-04-07T15:23:00.000-07:00

Hello. My name is Kasey. It's a basic introduction most of us as civil Americans exchange. And while there is a lot to be said about having a name, there is even more to be said about having it taken away.

We met today to really lay out the logistics of the event, "I've Got A Name" for May 4th at Lincoln Berean Church. It was exciting to have our creative team together, bouncing ideas off each other as we verbally processed ideas and thoughts and came up with the real meat of the program for that night.

It's the first time I've been a part of a bigger event where a lot of my ideas and input is actually being infiltrated throughout the program, so from the selfish aspect of this, I am really excited to see how it plays out.

If you're interested even in the least bit to know more about the issue of sex trafficking and you are in the area and available on the night of May 4th, I'd love to have as many people attend the event as possible! This is something very near and dear to me and something I have become incredibly passionate about. For those of you who know me, know how important this night is for me and try your best to be there, if nothing else, for me and my family and to support our involvement in the ministry.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010
7:00pm - 8:00pm
Lincoln Berean Church
6400 South 70th Street
Lincoln, NE

Find out more about our involvement in Nepal by visiting www.OneGirlTHI.org
Check it out on Facebook, I've Got A Name

Meeting Esther

2010-04-01T07:11:00.000-07:00

I haven't been to Nepal, but I want to and I want to BAD! But we don't have the resources for both Paul and I to go, nor are we completely comfortable with both of us being away from our young children for a long period of time. With that being said, my connections, as few and far between as they may be with Tiny Hands staff over in Nepal, India and Bangladesh, are my oxygen. Hearing from them personally and having interactions with them brings me a great deal of joy and encouragement.

Last night, Jodi and Nelson (parents of Tiny Hands' Hesed Home in Siliguri, India) were able to slip away for a couple hours while in town obtaining their youngest daughter, Esther's, visa. I had met Nelson last year when he was back in town, but my only contact with Jodi had been via Facebook. Needless to say, I was absolutely thrilled to be able to have a snippet of Tiny Hands in India join us in our home in Nebraska!

I didn't realize until they were actually there how absolutely in love I have fallen with them and their work within Tiny Hands and my own involvement in the ministry. I also didn't realize how long it had been since I held a baby, and as her big brown eyes looked up at me and smiled, my heart rang with a complete sense of belonging as I realized that these people ARE my family.

It may not be the trip to Nepal and India that I am so coveting and praying for, but it's as close to it as I can get for now and I find myself incredibly humbled and thankful.

Iceskating Is Life...Or Something Like That

2010-03-25T00:38:00.000-07:00

I know I'm getting older when I start to pick life lessons out of a simple past time like ice skating. I'm already starting to be that old lady that tells stories to my kids about how I learned such-and-such by some random event that happened in life. Where it took me last night was a little bit cliche, I will be the first to admit that, but it was nonetheless a teaching and learning moment for me, a God-speaking moment.

Last night, Paul and I took the kids to the Ice Box for a night of ice skating arranged by Lincoln Berean Church. I'm not a confident person when it comes to blades and ice and little 8 year old kids whizzing by me and purposely falling just to know what it's like to fall on ice. Neither am I entirely comfortable being the adult that kids cling to for safety from falling on the ice. But I do like to do new things and I try to lead by example, so even though I was completely conscious of how hard the ice can be IF I were to fall down, I had to act in all confidence that it's not that scary so my daughter and son would learn to let go of the rail.

Eventually, just as I suspected it would happen, all of us got our bearings and got used to the ice and we were skating around with an edge of pride that we could actually do it without falling down. And due to my feet disagreeing with me in the event being fun, I paused on the side from time to time to apologize to them. As I was waiting on the side, a man I knew from high school came next to me with his son and introduced his son. We made small talk and his son told me about how many times he had fallen down.

Instead of just being cool and talking to the boy about how fun it is to fall down and feel the cold ice, I almost instinctively just replied "But you're back up now and you're getting better, aren't you?" We exchanged a few more words and then he and his dad were quickly off again to skate (probably to avoid me more than anything else).

* Disclaimer: The above photo did not actually happen last night at the Ice Box, in case you were wondering*

I sat on the side a bit longer and looked around and that's when my God-speaking moment happened. I saw parents in the crowd who were watching their kids skate. There were parents who were on the ice but opted out of the skates and were helping their kids skate while they walked in the comfort of their tennies. There were young kids that skated like pros and grown men who fell down with no grace, dignity or athleticism whatsoever. (Yes, I laughed at the latter).

Such is life, is it not? Choose your sport, choose your venue and apply it to life. Life is this great opportunity of fun and learning that God has presented before us. Some of us get the hang of it right away. Some of us choose to watch. Some choose to take their time in learning while others take their time to teach. Some skate gracefully and with class while others struggle with each stride. Some dare while others are cautious. Some skate in groups while others are content to enjoy it alone. We fall down or stumble along the way, we get a little hurt or embarrassed or self-conscious, but eventually we DO all get back up. I didn't see one person still wailing around on the ice after falling down, being drug off the ice by other skaters. And I'm willing to bet that even the people that limped out of there with bruises and scrapes and hurt dignity would tell you how much fun it was.

Day 10 (Holistic Health Challenge)

2010-03-24T07:46:00.001-07:00

As I sit here this morning, sipping my fat-burning coffee *cough, shameless plug* (www.igetpaidtodrinkcoffee.com/yates), I am grinning from ear to ear. With a little fudging from time to time, I made it to day 10. Several times I've told myself no, several times I have caught myself before I fall, and for the love of everything I've sacrificed, I freakin' made it!

Over the last 10 days, I have realized that improving one area of my life is a trickle effect in improving other areas of my life. At the same time, it somewhat paradoxically makes me have to focus and work harder to improve and keep tabs on those other areas. For example, I improve my eating habits and exercise habits but I find myself judging others for eating bad and not working out, so my spiritual life needs to be in better check as well as my mental. But overall, I'm pretty happy with the improvement I've felt in my life.

Last night we went over to Pete and Denise's house to hang out in comfy clothes and watch a movie. I sat there last night and looked at them and thought about our friendship with them and I couldn't help but privately thank God for bringing them into our lives. My friendship with Denise and our friendship as a couple is something I have prayed about for a long time and wanted, yet I have always been so dang picky with the people I like to be around consistently. I'm always afraid that when people get to know me too well and know too much about me, they'll conveniently start fading from my life. Generally it's me, I am the one who starts finding excuses to not be around people. But with Pete and Denise, I can't wait to see them again and hang out with them. There is a realness about them that is so refreshing, an accepting spirit and welcoming sarcasm that makes me feel like I have known them forever. Whether or not they know it and whether or not I'll ever be able to tell them fully, their friendship has made a significant impact on my life as well as this whole 10-day challenge thing. Is that weird?

Day 9 (Holistic Health Challenge)

2010-03-23T11:09:00.000-07:00

I can't decide yet how I feel about yesterday. It was my first day of not working out at all and it wasn't because of any time constraints or even not wanting to. I just made a conscious decision not to and I didn't feel incredibly guilty about it.

I've noticed another new trend with me and that is not eating past 8pm. Occasionally I still do, but IF I do, it's generally something healthy. It used to be a bowl of icecream. I miss icecream and candy and chocolate yet I'm not finding myself craving them to the point of doing whatever's necessary to get it. I've had a Hershey's with almond candy bar on my dresser for the past week and I haven't even given a second thought to eating it. Before I would have sniffed it out like a hound dog the very second I walked into the house and eaten it with very little care or concern.

Today as I write this blog, it's day 9. Tomorrow, I am technically done with my challenge and yet I have changed so much that I do believe this is just the new me! I'm not being so strict with myself that any fault disappoints me in myself, but I'm not being careless either.

A couple days ago, Taylyn wrapped her arms around me for a hug and said "Mom! You're getting so skinny!" She has noticed the change physically but she has also commented to me about some other things. And people I love noticing is a huge factor in continued motivation for me. It's also causing me to make better decisions for our family.

Today I ran an errand to the post office with the kids. Typically, I make excuses for swinging through McDonalds for the kids. They love it, they think I'm the best Mom ever when I actually take them there, and it's faster than going home and preparing a lunch. I didn't even try to talk myself into it and as a result, we're all full on leftovers (big step for me...I HATE leftovers!) and I saved about $10 in doing so.

Now I'm looking forward to going for a short and easy run, playing volleyball tonight and hanging out with Pete and Denise afterwards.

Day 8 (Holistic Health Challenge)

2010-03-22T11:29:00.000-07:00

One week ago, I started this challenge. I didn't think one week would be able to ever make such a difference in me, but it has taken a hold of me in a very crazy way. It's not a difficult decision anymore for me to make better decisions. And though all of it has been beneficial for me, I notice mostly the change in my attitude because of it.

One of the things I never really indicated in my challenge but that has become a big source of pride for me is that I have been telling more people no. I have the tendency to tell everyone "yes" and overextend myself much to the resentment and discontent of my own liking. And while this can be good in the sense of having a helpful spirit, it's not good when it gets to feeling taken advantage of, so I have been able to recognize things about me that need to change that I didn't really see a need for prior to this challenge.

I do feel there needs to be a personal thank-you to Demi Moore and the makers of GI Jane for the inspiration that movie provides me with. I have about a 45 minute to 1-hour time period during that movie when I can watch it and not think about being on the treadmill. It's niiiiiiiice!

Days Yada, Yada, Yada....

2010-03-21T12:19:00.001-07:00

Okay, so I got lost on what day was what so I haven't updated for the past couple of days. I have officially become obsessed with working out. It's not necessarily because of the results I am seeing, although it is incredibly encouraging to hear Paul compliment me on how I'm looking more "fit". That, in and of itself, is worth it to me. Whether or not it's shallow or not, I LOVE making my husband proud of my appearance, even though I know he'd love me unconditionally regardless. But I am loving the way it's making me feel....physically and mentally most of all, I have seen such a tremendous difference in my attitude and motivation in the past week and I love how I feel.

Mentally, I am in a place where I'm not sure I have ever been, finding absolute and complete satisfaction in mental discipline. It hasn't been easy. In fact, if I am to be honest with myself, I would have to say it has been the most difficult part of this challenge. I operate completely off what I think. Especially being spontaneous in nature, it's not easy to make myself think twice about things and follow my second inclination rather than my first. For the first time in a really long time, I am proud of myself!!!!

I've been around cake, I've been around pop and I've made cookies and coffee cake and I have stuck to a fairly healthy eating plan. I've gone all but one day working out for 30-45 minutes each day and I have stepped up and done some things that are uncomfortable and out-of-the-ordinary for me spiritually and socially. I only have three days left to go on the "challenge", but I'm so excited about this, I think it's actually become a new lifestyle and habit for me!

Day 4 (Holistic Health Challenge)

2010-03-19T07:26:00.001-07:00

Oh my! What a day. Challenge-wise, an okay day. Not one I'm extremely disappointed in nor am I particularly proud of it. Otherwise, however, it was a nice day. The sun was shining, which always seems to improve my mood. I wasn't particularly in a great mood in the morning only because I had to get up to go to work at the coffee shop, and I'm not the greatest morning person. Not only that, things weren't working when I got there, so that made me a little more upset.

My day quickly advanced from fair to amazing when Paul and I went down to Memorial Stadium on campus to meet for a Bible Study and prayer time. We were late to the Bible Study and as we walked into the skybox rooms, we noticed there were just 5 people at the table. We sat down and began to get introduced to all at the table and it was then that I realized I was sitting at a table with former Nebraska coaching legend, Tom Osborne. And while that was an exciting experience itself, to be able to hear him talk about Scripture and blessings, the real blessing came afterwards.

We met with Marty Everding for a prayer time for Tiny Hands after the Bible study. It was just the three of us...him, Paul and I. This man, Marty, is a phenomenal person. He's so real and so passionate and it's contagious. I absolutely LOVE being around him and listening to him talk (he has an accent, which is an added benefit). We sat at the table together and poured our hearts out together in prayer and I couldn't help but weep. To sit at a table with two men who are seeking the will of God in their lives and to pray together with them was such a great experience! It uplifted my soul and weak heart SO much. I couldn't help but look up and take a photo of Marty praying. I absolutely respect and admire this man!

After our prayer meeting, I addressed my social and physical part of my challenge all in one as I took my dog on a walk with my friend, Denise and her dog, Zeus. The exercise and company was great as always, she never fails to make me laugh. I'm so thankful for her friendship and love being able to spend time with her. We have the same sense of humor, which is kind of a scary thing. And we got quite a few laughs out of the frolicking of our dogs together.

And then, of course, it's the beginning of March Madnesss which is actually MY Christmas. It's the best time of year as far as I'm concerned. I love everything about it and its's going to be a challenge for me to do anything BUT watch basketball for the next couple of days.

Day 3 (Holistic Health Day Challenge)

2010-03-18T18:53:00.001-07:00

Ugh. Yesterday was not a good day, all facets. I was an emotional wreck, I got pretty upset about a situation that happened during the day and I was just emotionally and physically exhausted. Even though I ate fairly decently, I did snack on a few Cheetos and maybe a Little Debbie Snack. My day was crazy busy and I didn't have a chance to work out. So, yeah...overall, yesterday was a massive fail.

On the positive side of it, I did recognize a necessity in my life of setting boundaries in some areas of my life and sticking with them, particularly in areas that emotionally effect me.

One of the things I am really enjoying about this challenge is the fact that I'm focused on the challenge itself and completing the challenge rather than specific goals that, if left unmet, leave me discouraged and unmotivated. And I also like the short-burst challenge, where it's enough to challenge and test me, but not too long that it doesn't feel unattainable.

Today was better, I'll tell you more about it tomorrow.

Day 3 (10-Day Holistic Health Challenge)

2010-03-17T09:19:00.000-07:00

Romans 3 was the focus of my reading the past two days. I don't know why I've always enjoyed the book of Romans, not necessarily as a favorite book of the Bible, but one I like to frequently re-visit. I enjoy reading context around verses that I memorized when I was younger. I enjoy the teaching or Paul and how he asks questions rhetorically and then answers them. What stood out to me in reading Romans 3 was the promise of God's faithfulness and the truth that my lack of faith at any given time never nullifies the faithfulness of God's promises to me. My perception of God's promises and what they actually are two entirely different things, yet I recognized how often I see my perception as truth when, in fact, it's usually not.

I forgot early in the day that I was playing volleyball last night, so I ran 3 miles on the treadmill and paid for it later on the court. I tried to listen to different music today while running, but ended up like a magnet back to the Spanish music. What gives with that? I actually have never noticed that inclination until I started to pay attention to the music I listen to. I also find myself oddly motivated by Melinda Doolittle singing "I'm a W-O-M-A-N."

I resisted another huge temptation yesterday. A can of ice cold Coke! After I realized I had run and was also going to play volleyball, I realized I could maybe intake a few more calories...and I pop sounded SO delightful. Normally it takes very little convincing of myself to give in to those kinds of things, but I did find it within my power to stay away from it. I'm not sure how to handle this new and controlled Kasey. I almost feel like I should give myself a new name, a super hero name.

This may not seem like a big deal to you, but to me, this one is huge. I got two phone calls yesterday in which I literally couldn't answer them..."couldn't", by my standards, means I generally refuse to answer my phone in a public place or when I can't talk with a high level of being able to reciprocate attention to the conversation. Normally I would let a voicemail sit for days and never listen to it, subconsciously hoping the person would just call back. But yesterday, I took the initiative to actually listen to both voice mails AND immediately call each person back. HUGE step!

I made egg curry on rice for dinner last night, minus the eggs (not by choice but due to time restraints). So, I guess I technically made mixed-vegetable curry. It actually turned out quite tasty and I didn't feel sick after eating it.

Day 2 (Holistic Health 10-Day Challenge)

2010-03-16T08:08:00.000-07:00

Day One is typically one of my most difficult days to get past when I am starting something new. I tend to give in easily to temptations, particularly if those temptations have the name Hershey's or Peter Pan in them. I generally will convince myself to wait "one more day" to start the new habit, and that cycle basically goes on and on until "one more day" has formed into months and months of a perpetually well-intended habit gone wild.

Yesterday was an exception! I resisted some of the greatest temptations known to man that I would dare challenge ANY man, woman or child to attempt to conquer with the force and tenacity I did. Imagine eating only a 5.5 ounce can on yogurt all day, that being your one and only consumption of food, and then going to a food-filled, four variety cake laden wedding and reception and somehow conjuring up the will power to say no to everything but a slice of perfectly cooked salmon. Believe it, because it happened and I inwardly celebrated with myself. Not even a finger-full of frosting! BOOM! While I recognize that eating just yogurt during the day is not a healthy choice, I do NOT plan on doing that often. Trust me on that one.

I did manage to work in a little over 30 minutes on the treadmill yesterday. I realized with half shame and half pride that something happens to me when I run. Imperatively, I have to listen to music when I run. That's not a bad thing. However, I noticed if I hear a good song, I HAVE to sing with it. It's an uncontrollable reaction I have to a good song. Makes me look looney, unless I am alone, of course, so I'm thinking the treadmill may be the best permanent option for me for my running habits. The treadmill is actually becoming my new best friend. It doesn't talk back to me like Denise does. I am currently taking requests for an official name for my treadmill buddy.

I also realized that the music I thrive on most while exercising is Mexican. Specifically mariachi. There's something unidentifiably sexy about a man rolling his R's when he sings...I don't know what it is, but the pain in my legs goes away when he sings about la luna! Truth is, I have no clue what they are even singing about, but it's always the Spanish/Mexican/Latin music that gets my juices flowing and makes me wanna shake my tail feathers. I can't lie...a couple times I stepped on the outside of the treadmill and did. Did I mention my 15+ minutes on the Yates Dance Floor (also known as my kitchen) doing the Soulja Boy Dance?

Tomorrow I'll write more about my spiritual and social journey the past couple days. All in all, I feel like my first day on this 10-Day Challenge was a success. Using an iPhone app for my food intake and exercise outbreak, I am able to track my total calories so I can set more specific goals for myself. I'm looking forward to seeing how this goes. Until next time, I'm pressing on!

My 10 Day Holistic Challenge

2010-03-15T06:42:00.000-07:00

Today I started a 10 Day Challenge. I think Paul started it with me, but I'm not 100% certain with that. It started off with us talking about going vegetarian for 10 days (not that difficult of a task for me since I'm not much of a fan of meat anyway) and what it's turned into is a 10 Day Holistic Health Challenge. That sounds kind of new-agey. It's not.

Holistic Challenge Focus: Mental, Physical, Social, Spiritual and Emotional

Breakdown:

MENTAL -> To focus, set goals and achieve them. For me, this is the first and foremost focus during this challenge, mostly because I am made of what I process in my head. If I can control my mental thoughts and where I allow them to be and not allow myself to get distracted from my goal, I can do the rest of these with ease. This also means telling myself "no", which will be one of the most difficult tasks for my hedonistic nature.

PHYSICAL -> To engage myself in at least 30 minutes of physical activity each day. This has been easier for me lately than in the recent months, but doing it EVERY day is what will be a challenge. Although I am allowing myself the capacity to loosely define "physical activity" (*cough*), it will be physical activity nonetheless...Hey! I'm married! I have the right to enjoy the simple pleasures of married life!!! Also with this physical challenge includes the proper eating of fruits and vegetables. I am focusing 10 days on drinking a fat-burning coffee twice a day (that I also sell...shameless plug), fruits and veggies and yes, no meat. That means no McDonalds. No Coke.

SOCIAL -> Oh, dear. Yeah....so this one comes very easy and naturally for me. However, I am not socially holistic when it comes to phone conversations and activity. During the next 10 days, I am going to focus on actually answering my phone when someone calls and not neglecting call-backs and conversation initiation.

SPIRITUAL -> I love to read, but part of my problem is that I read too many books and not enough Bible. I'm not sure yet where I am going to focus my attention there, but I'm committing to read more of it than inspirational books.

EMOTIONAL -> Last but certainly not least, emotional health. I am a pretty steady person as far as emotions go. I don't feel like I get too up or too down so I'm not sure how this one is going to play out. I associate a part of this with inclination to listen to negativity and not address it....and then I start to become negative. Even though most people see me as an eternal optimist and I certainly try to be, I am really going to focus on positive emotional energy (gee, I feel like I should be sitting cross-legged on a floor with my fingertips in some yoga formation.

So, there you have it. Challenge presented, challenge initiated. I'll post each day to let you know how it's rollin' out! So, until tomorrow, VOMINOS!!!!!

Fail

2010-03-13T15:41:00.000-08:00

Previous Post was a massive FAIL! Therefore, in relation to my post before that, my socks are off and in relation to my post before that, I'm annoyed.

Because I Want To

2010-03-13T11:56:00.000-08:00

I can't remember the last time I did this. I'm sitting on the couch right now looking at my computer screen with the sole and simple pleasurable intention of doing EXACTLY what I want to do. With laundry needing to be done, floors to be swept, rooms to be cleaned and databases to manage, I am making the choice to say "yes" to what I want to do and "no" to what I need to do.

I don't realize how rare these chances come to me until they actually come to me. With the kids occupied and Paul reffing basketball for most of the day, I have a few hours of free time with no real schedule or duty to be a part of. For the next few hours, I plan to clean up my photo library, edit some photos and do what I love to do most in the world: photos, reading and music. Ahhhhhh. The sound of it is a touch above delightful, the thought of it is practically unimaginable. I may even turn the phone to silent and crack open a bottle of ice cold Coca-Cola and indulge myself a little at the opportunity.

Sorry, Responsibility. You're gonna have to sit this one out...

Mission Possible

2010-03-12T11:57:00.000-08:00

Truth be told...I hate socks. I HATE them. You see, I am a claustrophobic freak of nature. I am also very picky (high-maintenance) about the level of sweat in which I allow my feet to partake in. My toes are exhibitionists. They like to be free and naked. My friend, Pete, on the other hand, LOVES socks. I know, weird right? In the name of friendship, we set out on a very special mission today.

Mission: For Pete to find Kasey some socks she actually will wear and love
Destination: Scheels Sporting Goods
Co-conspirators: Paul and Denise

Time and Date of Mission: 10:20 AM - 3/12/2010
Budget: $10

Report:
Mission Accomplished

I am now happily enjoying a pair of anatomically correct socks with a construction designed around a woman's foot platform. Congratulations to Pete for his brave attempt at changing my opinion about something. He now joins the elite group of about three people who have actually accomplished that task!

Annoyed

2010-03-11T07:57:00.000-08:00

The archaic definition of the word "annoy" is to attack repeatedly. Ladies and Gentlemen, I'd like you to introduce you to me, annoyed.

I have my 52nd cold of the year, which I'm pretty certain has just been a repercussion of my refusal to take the flu shot. I'm not afraid of needles. I'm just not a fan of injecting myself with anything other than the intravenous drip of chocolate I have next to my bed. My ears are plugged, my nose is seeping and my body is mad at me for playing volleyball two nights ago.

The annoying part of my day pretty much started from the second I woke up. No, not from my cold, but from waking up from a blissful dream that was really quite intriguing. You know, one of those kinds of dreams when you try to force yourself to go back to sleep in hopes that you will pick up where you left off? Don't lie, I know you've done it!

The kids were a bit cranky after we let them stay up late to watch Mary Poppins. I sat down for a rare bowl of cereal in the morning with my kids and I could almost swear the Alphabits were mocking me. Paul and I had a miscommunication about who was taking the kids to school. I had to drive to school in sloppy slush. I haven't worn flip flops with any consistency for more than 5 months. I had a moment of eye contact with a fat robin in my yard and I read her mind. She swore. I called her a name and we both went about our business.

Whether or not I am getting close to that magical time of the month when the world starts to turn against me and no one understand me doesn't really matter. My day today has already made up it's mind to annoy me and it's making good on it's intentions and I'm just three hours into it.

I have an appointment today with an insurance man to discuss our policies. As far as I'm concerned, the only policy worth discussing is why insurance companies feel it's their obligation to jack around with everyone. I wonder if he'd be offended if I actually said that out loud. I wonder if I could secretly videotape our meeting and make it into a comedy by asking him random questions that have nothing to do with insurance policies. Like "So, if the Easter bunny comes this year and breaks the lock on my door to give candy to the kids, is it covered under our homeowners to get that replaced?"

My coffee is cold. I made it too strong anyway. Of course, I did. I lit a candle while cleaning earlier this morning and I'm not sure why since I can't smell a thing. I tried to post a witty and hilarious update on Twitter this morning and Twitter was temporarily unavailable. What a shocker.

So, yeah. Today has been annoying so far. Repeated attacks. Unfortunately for this day, I'm a heck of a fighter and I am choosing to fight back. I will fight back, yes, and I will annoy the white out of this snowy day!!!! It'll be sunny in my world in no time...after I have a few more sharp words with that mean robin, that is.

A foggy sunny day

2010-03-09T11:19:00.000-08:00

I started my day with every intention of spending it quietly at home, folding and ironing laundry while settling in to a good classic movie. The foggy weather was prodding me to go for Sleepless in Seattle, but I was leaning more personally to Shawshank Redemption. My plan was to take the kids to school and snuggle in to a day at home with literally nothing more than occasionally taking the dog outside for some fresh air.

It was Rodeo Day at the kid's school today. We rocked out to some country music this morning thanks to Pandora. I had barely gotten home when I got a call from Ann to join her for coffee. How can one turn that down? A nice warm mocha sounded delightful and the company of a good friend was just the dose I needed.

While coffee with Ann was still brewing, Paul called to invite me to join him in a Tiny Hands meeting downtown with a few other people planning an event in May. Part of me wanted to go home and fulfill the snuggle day with myself at home, but the other part of me, the uncontrollable social side of me, gave in to wanting to be around people.

I joined the group downtown and I'll be honest, mostly just to see Denise because I knew she'd make me laugh. Back up...I knew she'd do something that I could laugh at. She didn't disappoint. She never does. And now I'm back home to my cozy home with a small amount of time between now and when I pick up the kids from school when I can either run on the treadmill or finish what I set out to start today. I'll most likely do something different.

I love the people God surrounds me with on a daily basis. Mostly friends, but even the strangers and just plain acquaintances. At lunch, I prayed with men passionate for purity and respect towards women. What woman wouldn't be moved by that? I saw old friends I haven't seen in awhile. I saw ministry partners. I saw friends. And tonight I get to play volleyball (which is always high up on my list of life's most simple and best pleasures). This foggy and rainy day has turned out to bring me much more sunshine than I was expecting.

Bleh. Just bleh.

2010-03-08T11:42:00.000-08:00

Do you know how many blogs I have half-way written in the past few days only to end up deleting them? I'm lacking in motivation to write. My conversations and interests in life have taken a sharp turn towards boring and broad as the creative brush of passion I normally paint with seems to only be dancing in an unnecessary performance of hum and drum.

What I write feels only interesting to me. My points of interest in photography lack substance as my desire just basically antagonizes me to give up and try again the day after tomorrow. I'm operating more with my head and logic than I am accustomed to, which for someone like me, means lack of productivity, creativity and ultimately life.

I'm needing some bounce to my subconscious step. Until then, my blog exists here mostly for the purpose of a good playlist of music to listen to from time to time.

Frustwitted

2010-03-03T12:28:00.000-08:00

OK, so I'm back on Twitter, or at least I've signed up for it again. Within the first 5 minutes, I got a notification saying it's over capacity and they'll be back later. I'm remembering why I disliked using it so much. Trying to decide if it's worth it again. Like most things in my life, probably just one of those things I'm better off without anyway.

So, if you're on it and want to find me, my new name is: BrownEyedY8S.

Make me remember why I signed up for it again...

Sexy Ragamuffin

2010-02-24T04:27:00.000-08:00

I'm proving to my husband that I refuse to fall victim to the classic stereotyped ragamuffin stay at home Mom. Just because I'm not going "IN" to work doesn't mean I can't look nice for him when I'm at home. This was clearly overkill, but I was trying to send him a message. And it worked. Overkill or not, a smile on the face of my husband is worth whatever effort I have to put into it. Though he's not insistent I dress up and look nice for him, I know he likes it. The Longhorns apron was just the icing on the cake!

The Beauty in Ugly

2010-02-22T06:57:00.001-08:00

When the New Year rolled around, I did what we all do and I made a few resolutions for myself. Quite shocking to even myself, I have managed to stay up with most of them. That's a proud thing for me, beings I normally break them within the first 24 hours and convince myself they are dumb and worthless goals.

This year, one of my resolutions was authenticity in my relationships. I tend to be a people pleaser and I don't like to cause ripples and conflict. In fact, I generally will flee completely from conflict. But I have found it to be an absolutely refreshing thing to be in the presence of friends who are authentic. As Christians, we have an inclination to avoid truth when it involves a struggle with sin. But avoiding truth is embracing a lie and that, in and of itself, is also a sin.

This weekend I was able to spend much of the time with authentic friends. My good friend, Joy, stayed at our house from Thursday through Sunday with her son while she was in town promoting Maranatha Bible Camp. We enjoyed so much of that time together as we just laid things out on the table, our sins, our struggles, our REAL selves and we were able to pray together and encourage each other in Christian truth. There are few friends I have that have made me feel I can be as real I want to be with them as Joy does. She loves my ugly side, my ugly sins, my ugly inclinations, and helps me be a better person through support and prayer and honesty. There is no way to ever fully know the value of having a friend like that.

Additionally, we were able to spend some time with our friends, Pete and Denise. Their friendship is an absolute refreshment to our lives as they are fun, encouraging and as real as it gets. I cherish people who are real and willing to be weak and honest and vulnerable. It allows walls to slowly come down and real issues to be addressed and cared for by fellow believers in Christ.

I heard a quote this weekend that was two people talking about addictions and it hit home for me. Though I don't "feel" like I'm addicted to anything in particular that would require counseling and an anonymous group, I do know that I have a very addictive personality and there are things in my life that I need to let go of. The quote I heard was something like this:

"The need you have...it's like a thousand hiding voices, whispering 'This is YOU', and you fight the pressure, the growing need arising like a wave, rippling and teasing and prodding to be fed. But the whispering gets louder, until it's screaming 'NOW!!!' And it's the only voice you hear. And it's the only voice you WANT to hear, and you belong to it, this shadowed self...this dark passenger."

When I first heard that, I thought how TRUE it is. And the darkness of our sinful lives can't ever be turned around until we throw the dark passengers out of the seat and shine the light of change on the shadowed self we feel we belong to. This weekend was a good shove in the right direction, to be more authentic with my closest of friends who can keep me accountable to remember to find the beauty in the ugly me.

Observing Lent

2010-02-19T07:04:00.000-08:00

Growing up, I didn't know anything about Lent. Whether ignorance or just the lack of knowledge of understanding, I don't even remember ever hearing the word unless it was in relation to me needing to clean out something in the clothes dryer. So, when Lent comes around every year, it always seems to sneak up on me.

Over the course of the years I HAVE observed Lent, it has always been something significantly impactful in my own personal life, regardless of how simple it would seem in the lives of others. Consider my personality into this equation...I am an extremely passionate person. Some would go so far as to call me a grass fire. I get involved and excited about something and I go full steam ahead with it. I like what I like, I love what I love, and there ain't nothin' nobody's gonna do to stop me from getting to it!

I remember particularly one year being more difficult than others and that was simply with giving up the Ellen Degeneres show that came on at 2 in the afternoon. I know that sounds weird and a tad bit weird (okay, a lot weird), but truth be told, my entire life was centered around being able to watch Ellen. I did everything during the morning hours so I would be able to get on the treadmill at 2 and laugh at her silly antics for the next hour with feeling little physical pain from my workout.

Here enters the irony of my obsessions. Once I give something up, I'm pretty much done. Since I gave up the Ellen Show that year, I have not watched a single episode. I think once I realize how all-consuming it is in my life, I realize how "okay" I am without it and how much my life and mentality has benefited from the sacrifice.

This year for Lent, the things I am giving up (a few different ones) are going to be an extreme challenge for me, possibly one of the most difficult yet, especially in light of the fact of my past experience of eliminating it completely from my life even when Lent is over. I am looking forward to the challenge and believe God is going to show me some incredible things in the meantime and I will benefit in incredible ways if I can stick with it!

VAMANOS!, LENT VOWS!!!!! Let's tear this new life up!

God Gave Me You

2010-02-18T14:47:00.001-08:00

Though Bryan White is not one of the more well-known country artists, he has a lot of songs I really love. With almost all of his songs, I can relate them to a person or situation in my life that seems to mirror exactly what he sings about. The following lyrics are to his song called "God Gave Me You". Although the words are most likely intended to be towards a significant other and the love between two adults, the lyrics have always taken me to the day my daughter was born and how she changed my life. In fact, I even changed my playlist around a little bit so it will play first instead of my previous song.

So blessed to have a daughter that God gave me 8 years ago today.

God Gave Me You
Bryan White

For all times I felt cheated, I complained
You know how I love to complain
For all the wrongs I repeated, though I was to blame
I still cursed that rain
I didn't have a prayer, didn't have a clue
Then out of the blue

God gave me you to show me what's real
There's more to life than just how I feel
And all that I'm worth is right before my eyes
And all that I live for though I didn't know why
Now I do, 'cause God gave me you

For all the times I wore my self pity like a favorite shirt
All wrapped up in that hurt
For every glass I saw, I saw half empty
Now it over flows like a river through my soul
From every doubt I had, I'm finally free
And I truly believe

God gave me you to show me what's real
There's more to life than just how I feel
And all that I'm worth is right before my eyes
And all that I live for though I didn't know why
Now I do, 'cause God gave me you

In your arms I'm someone new
With every tender kiss from you
I must confess, I've been blessed

God gave me you to show me what's real
There's more to life than just how I feel
And all that I'm worth is right before my eyes
And all that I live for though I didn't know why
Now I do, 'cause God gave me you
God gave me you

Life Is A Box of Chocolates.

2010-02-16T12:08:00.001-08:00

I normally don't answer the doorbell when it rings when I'm home alone during the day unless I am expecting someone. I have seen one too many Forensic Files television shows. So today when the doorbell rang not once, but twice, I was intrigued by the persistence of it. I waited for a possible third ring and when I didn't hear it, I crept sneakily to the door to peek outside.

There I saw the mailman walking back to his truck and I figured it was safe. I ran outside in my socks (not JUST my socks, people!) and flagged him down before he took off to do his work. Ha...that sounded dramatic, as if I couldn't have caught up with him in the next 20 yards to the next mailbox he was stopping at. Anyway...

He gave me a package that was wrapped with all kinds of postal service tape. I signed my name, printed on the line and ran back inside to eagerly open the package. I noticed right away it was from Victor, a friend of Paul's in Austin, Texas who he had just visited.

What was inside caused my smile to reach from ear to ear....Victor, you have truly outdone yourself on this one. I will be smiling about this one for years to come :) THANK YOU!

Yesterdays for Tomorrows

2010-02-13T17:20:00.000-08:00

My heart is free to fly like the wind,
To experience everything life has to give.
I have seen both beauty and heartache
And experienced a love that many only dream of,
A love so real that it captures the very essence
Of who I am and who I want to become.

My fears often hold me back,
But my passion and ambition drives me to take unusual risks
I never thought I was capable of taking.

Experiences have shaped my life
As obstacles have turned into stepping stones.
I have traveled a road where weakness was turned to strength,
And doubt has become promise.
Some questions have no real answers.
They rely on the beauty of faith.

It is of this love, fear and experience
That I have been shaped into who I am today
And who I will and want to become,
And it is for this reason
That my heart has begun to spread it's wings
Across the skies of passionate surrender
And abandoned my yesterdays for tomorrows.

Untitled

2010-02-12T11:19:00.000-08:00

The way I am broken tells you something unique about me. The way you are broken tells me something unique about you. That is the reason for my feeling very privileged when you share some of your deep pain with me, and that is why it is an expression of my trust in you when I disclose to you something of my vulnerable side.

Our brokenness is always lived and experienced as highly personal, intimate and unique. I am deeply convinced that each human being suffers in a way no other human being suffers. I am more grateful for a person who can acknowledge that I am very alone in my pain than for someone who tries to tell me that there are many others who have similar or worse pain.

When I am honest, I admit I am a bundle of paradoxes. I believe and I doubt, I hope and get discouraged, I love and I hate, I feel bad about feeling good, I feel guilty about not feeling guilty. I am trusting and suspicious. I am honest and I play games. Yet as I glance up, I am astonished to find the eyes of Jesus open with wonder, deep with understanding and gentle with compassion.

Not Quite an Easy Button

2010-02-11T08:04:00.000-08:00

I pulled out of the garage today and closed the door with the garage door opener like I do every morning. While I drove to take the kids to school, I obeyed all the traffic lights when they turned green and red (maybe fudged a little on the yellows).

A van pulled into the school parking lot next to me and the doors opened as three girls jumped out with hands full and smiling faces. I stayed at school after dropping the kids off so I could watch Taylyn as her class led chapel for the morning. As I waited, I watched the scrolling announcements on the flat screen TV and diddled around on my iPod Touch. I wondered what the weather was like in Austin, TX, what my schedule looked like for the day, if anyone had sent me any emails or Facebook comments and conveniently just touched my screen to get my answers.

I proceeded to go to the grocery store and walked to the doors without even giving a second thought to reaching my cold hands out of my pockets to open the doors as I have experienced the chivalry of the automatic doors countless times before. Once I had my cart ready, I put my groceries on the black food treadmill that carried them from the end of the counter to the cashier as she waited nonchalantly to push the items over the laser that would add up the total for her.

Our society is inundated with automation and it's a trend that is only getting worse. Dishwashers do the dirty work. Alarm clocks tell us when to rise and shine. GPS tells us when to turn and how to get there. Calculators give counting on our fingers anonymity. Technology, while I am an enormous fan of the progression it enables, allows and practically promotes laziness as operate within our society under the guise of "convenience" with relatively little effort or discomfort.

Our society is FULL of easy ways of living life. There's an app for that, there's a button for this, there's a quick way to do just about anything we want to do. Is it any wonder we have transfered this "now" culture into our spiritual and emotional lives that leave us stunted and confused and ultimately empty and hurting?

A family member passes and the world expects us to "get over it, move on" in a few short days or weeks. Heaven forbid it take months or even years to come to terms with the pain and reality of the loss. We disallow people, especially Christians, to deal with grief because certainly they should have the strength and fortitude to know that it was all part of God's plan.

Jobs are lost, marriages are broken, relationships are estranged and we start to wonder with all kinds of uncertainty "What is wrong with me?" while forgetting that THIS is that thing called L-I-F-E. Life takes an incredible amount of effort. We all face things that are uncomfortable and so hard that we doubt if we will even be able to make it through. We doubt if anyone understands. We smile because we fear the judgment of others knowing our true weakness. We dance around issues that need to be dealt with because we lack the stamina to go the distance.

And yet the easiest and most powerful way to deal with these obstacles is to hit our knees and humbly ask God for strength. Could it really be as simple as that? Even easier, we don't even have to open our mouths, we can just think with our minds and approach the throne of grace. Does it make life easier? Not sure I can answer that question. I'm not sure when the time came when we were told it WOULD be easy. What makes me think I deserve an easy life just because I am a Christian? Perhaps true peace comes in knowing it won't be easy.

Job was a blameless and righteous man and everything...EVERYTHING....was taken from his life. And though he had moments of desperation and wanted to die in his grief, he maintained the integrity of knowing that we need to accept both good AND trouble. (Job 2:10). Was he discouraged? You betcha! Not just discouraged, but in despair!

"Therefore, I will not keep silent; I will speak out in the anguish of my spirit, I will complain in the bitterness of my soul. Am I the sea or the monster of the deep, that You put me under Your guard? When I think by bed will comfort me and my couch will ease my complaint, even then you frighten me with dreams and terrify me with visions, so that I prefer strangling and death, rather than this body of mine. I despise my life; I would not live forever. Let me alone, my days have no meaning." (Job 7:11-16)

Essentially, he is saying "ENOUGH, GOD! I'VE HAD IT!!!!" Haven't we all been there at some point? Don't we all reach that point when life has just become TOO hard? We wonder why things happen and when it's going to end. And unfortunately,there's no quick fix. There's no automatic button to push to make the hard times go away. There's not even clear signs of when it will end. There's not an easy way around it.

As far as I can tell, there is only one thing in life that should be and is promised to be easy: the decision God wants us to make to "Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

The windows

2010-02-09T11:59:00.000-08:00

"The eye is the jewel of the body." Henry David Thoreau

"A beautiful eye makes silence eloquent, a kind eye makes contradiction an assent, an enraged eye makes beauty deformed. This little member gives life to every other part about us; every other part would be mutilated were not its force represented more by the eye than even by itself." Joseph Addison

"The eye sees a thing more clearly in dreams than the imagination awake." Leonardo da Vinci

Just a few of the thousands of quotes about eyes. As we've heard time and time again, the eyes are the windows to the soul. If you look hard enough, you can decipher most emotions embodied in a person by just looking long enough into their eyes.

I had something reinforced to me today that I always knew existed. I L-O-V-E eyes!!! It's part of the reason I hate talking on the phone and almost always refuse to drive through at fast food restaurants...I want to SEE the eyes of the person I am speaking to. Some eyes can absolutely captivate me. I had coffee today with a gentleman with gorgeous eyes. Stop right there from the assumption that I was somehow turned on by this. I wasn't. There is a difference. But I WAS captivated and I did pretty much stare at them for the two hours we talked. It's almost a disorder I have because once I am taken in by eyes, I pay little attention to what is being said from the mouth. I remember little of what was actually spoken and nearly every time they glanced up during a sentence.

I have always been one incredibly intrigued by the study of kinesics (body language). I'm a people watcher and I love to interpret the countless communications people make while speaking nothing at all. But eyes, above all, say the most. They are the easiest to translate because they simply cannot hide the emotion of the heart.

Pope John XXIII once said: "I have looked into your eyes with my eyes. I have put my heart near your heart." While I believe this statement came with both actions being made in the literal sense, I believe whole heartedly that the two go hand-in-hand figuratively as well. When you truly look into someone's eyes, you are also allowing yourself to bring your heart a step closer to theirs.

Valentine's Day

2010-02-07T17:26:00.000-08:00

Valentine's Day makes me sick. I've never liked the holiday. To be honest, I'm just not a fan of many holidays at all. The sole and simple reason for this blatent distaste for holidays comes from my personality disorder of basically wanting to do opposite of what I'm told to do. Obligatory giving in any way, shape or form is not for me!

Valentine's Day is one of the worst of such holidays for me. Overpriced flowers, waiting 3 hours in a line at a restaurant, inevitable arguments because of unmet expectations, disappointed people with unidentified relationship boundaries, cupid this, love that....Puke. Twice.

My idea of a nice Valentine's Day is pretty much what my every day life is: Time together.

This Valentine's Day, Paul will be coming home from Texas after being gone there most of the week with a buddy. His friend was nervous to ask him to come visit because he knew he'd be coming home on Valentine's Day. My response "Psssh, GO!" I could care less if it's Valentine's Day when he comes home. In fact, I may actually enjoy some time to myself with the kids, some bubbles and some quiet time with a full-night movie night, party of one. I'm thinking of even hitting a movie solo in the afternoon one of those days he's gone.

Yes, I'll miss him like crazy. I always do, even if it's just a hard day of work and we don't see each other or talk much. But it has nothing to do with a Hallmark enforced holiday.

Dañada

2010-02-05T20:04:00.000-08:00

Today, I hurt.

My heart took a break from breaking for other people's pain,

and it broke a little for my own.

Beneath this smile I hold,

Behind the camera I flash,

Between the sarcastic jokes

and witty remarks,

I hurt.

But I won't talk to anyone about it.

Who would understand?

So I pretend to act like I'm okay.

When I know I'm not.

Even if someone wanted to listen,

I know I wouldn't let them.

My walls have been built too strong and high.

I need to find a way to get past the wounds I try to pretend are not there.

Noted.

2010-02-05T12:21:00.000-08:00

A few things I have made mental notes about today:

You live in Nebraska, where it snows and it's cold and it snows some more and then more.

You don't always get what you want.

Not everyone thinks you are hilarious as you think you are. You get a lot of fake laughs.

Nine times out of ten, just accept the fact that you will be misunderstood.

That person that you don't want to annoy you most likely will.

The drive downtown is worth the taste of a better-made mocha.

She needs you to call her. She's reluctantly yet hopefully counting on it.

You do have five minutes to write that note.

Underwear is unnatural. It should, indeed, be done away with.

Peanut butter actually is God's special gift to you.

You will not be cursed for the next 6 years if you don't forward an email.

That person you walked by today casually needed more than just a smile.

Change your mind because your mind tells you to, not your heart.

The world you live in is not THE world.

Trust your instincts on that creepy UPS man.

Ignore the green online dot.

You're not as stable as you pretend to be.

Being open with someone is not the equivalent of being weak.

Being weak isn't such a bad thing.

God simply IS enough.

Waiting on Him is active obedience.

Start believing in yourself.

Socks are the devil's idea.

Not everyone drives as perfectly as you do.

I would have a very difficult time functioning in this world if it weren't for lotion.

Diagnose Me!

2010-01-13T17:04:00.000-08:00

Day 7,231 of being perpetually sick...you think I'm exaggerating, but I'm not. Maybe a smidge.

I've been sick since November. Not with the same thing, but with different things.

In mid-November, I passed out in a Kansas Walmart (EXACTLY where I was hoping I would be able to lay lifeless on a floor at some point in my life. Dream fulfilled). This was due to an ovarian cyst rupturing. The pain was indescribable. Ladies, for you who have experienced it, I know you feel me. Note to self: Ovaries SUCK! (Sorry, Mom...) I've had this happen 3 times now, each one getting worse and more painful. I'm morbidly looking forward to the point when it actually protrudes from my uterus and claims the life of innocent bystanders with it's gnashing teeth and sharp talons just so people can get a visual of what I'm actually experiencing inside my body. It's gonna happen, just wait.

Shortly after that, upon the cusp of tremendous excitement of Paul's marine science college buddy, Victor, being in town, I came down with a massive head cold that took me through just after Thanksgiving. I blame this somewhat on me and my inability to accept my fate of having to take pills. I hate pills. I argue with them constantly when I take them until I swallow them and they rest peacefully in my belly and I start to feel better. It's a love hate relationship.

I take you now into December. Good for most of the month, mostly sick on overeating and baking. December 12 rolls around and I'm in the hospital ER with serious abdominal pain. A test here, a poke here, an IV here...and wa-lah!!!

"Gee, it sounds like gallbladder, you have the classic symptoms, but we can't find anything. Let's follow up in a week." (paraphrased)

Um....easy for you to say, but after a $5,000 CAT scan that revealed to me what I already knew, no thank you on the follow up liability visit. (Sorry to you doctors out there....)

From then until December 30, I'm mildly well with nothing too serious to complain about. Certainly nothing to blog about. I was getting excited to go to a New Year's party for the first time since I was like 19 years old, and as luck would have it (or whatever you want to call it), I get sick out of nowhere. Scratch that...it was DEFINITELY sick out of somewhere, places I don't care to describe within a blog format. Relentless, every 10 minutes for 5 hours, I am pretty sure I prayed for death at one point. Beings my spin cycling coach, Mary, IS death personified and she didn't show up at my doorstep, I rested the whole next day and felt good enough to make it through the New Year's party with a weak raise of my glass to ring in 2010.

Present day, present time: Can't eat without catastrophic results. No appetite (for me, this is catastrophic in and of itself). Stomach cramping ranging from left to right to smack dab in the middle, back aches that come and go, constant burping, leg cramps, dry mouth, extreme nausea to the point of having to close my ears and sing "La la la" like a stubborn 6 year old when I watch commercials. Today I gagged when I saw a woman's silhouette eating something while waiting in line to pick up the kids.

Kids out of school, hungry. Me, nauseous after the silhouette ordeal. Three blocks from school, TJ has to go to the bathroom and Taylyn is begging for food. I'm trying to make it home so I can make record time in the 40 yard dash from my car to the toilet. I decide I can't wait that long so we make a stop at McDonald's. Genius. Apparently the brain functions stop completely when desperation comes into play. I open the door and the waft of the smell of grease and feet nearly knocks me to the floor. I try to not be conspicuous with the old nose-in-the-sweatshirt trick, but my intestines were being ruthless and a tad bit on the irritable side. Sparing details, we're in and out fairly quickly and now I'm at home with a doctor appointment set for tomorrow to try to figure out what in the world is going on with this civil war within my body.

Welcoming all advice, suggestions and antidotes....

I'd Like A Few More of Him, Please!

2010-01-08T08:12:00.001-08:00

Chances are, I am not going to remember much about the championship football game last night between Texas and Alabama. Sure, I'll remember they played. I'll remember Colt McCoy got hurt in his last game as a Longhorn and had to helplessly cheer on his deflated team from the sidelines. Yeah, I'll most likely remember how freshman Garrett Gilbert stepped up into an impossible role to fill the shoes of a Heisman candidate quarterback after the freak injury that took him out in the first series of the game. If I'm lucky, I'll even be able to remember how poorly the Alabama team executed throwing Gatorade on their coach, Nick Saban, nearly knocking him out.

I won't remember the yards rushed. I won't remember the yards passed. I won't remember the interceptions, the yards gained after contact, I won't remember who played who in the division championships or that I was irritated to have to listen to Brent Musburger tell stories from the media booth as he was clueless to what was actually going on between the 360 x 160 turf.

I'll tell you what I will remember.

Like him or not, like the team or not, Colt McCoy unveiled his already known sincerity and passion for the sport while keeping not only the game, but his entire life and career in perspective. When asked how hard it was for him to watch the game from the sidelines, it took him awhile to even respond. Baby? Pansy? No. Competitor. Those who can't appreciate the tears and emotion of an athlete have never felt the wrenching pain of a difficult loss. Playing in big games always translates into emotional reactions, win OR lose. It's part of the love of the game.

When his composure was gained, Colt McCoy went on to make a statement. No, it wasn't in the win when he connected to the status quo thanks of most athletes, thanking God for giving them the talent of being stellar athletes and thanking their Mamma for believing in them.

He just lost. From the sidelines.

His response to the loss in an immediate post-game interview, though emotional and difficult, was the one thing I will undoubtedly remember from the National Championship Game of the 2009 season.

"I always give God the glory. I never question why things happen the way they do. God is in control of my life and I know that, if nothing else, I'm standing on the Rock." ~ Colt McCoy, post Championship

Let it melt, let it melt, let it melt!

2010-01-07T11:39:00.000-08:00

Snow. Not a fan.

Cold. Not a fan.

Canceling school....AGAIN. NOT a fan!

I've had it with snow this year, enough to make me seriously consider putting a "For Sale" sign in my front yard and looking at real estate much further south than here. There's nothing I like about snow. I don't like driving in it. It prevents me from being able to wear my flip flops outside. It takes me 30 minutes to bundle the kids up to go on a 1/2 mile run to the grocery store. I can't roam around town and take pictures like I want to. It takes serious geographical planning to try to make it to a coffee shop.

In the last 2 months of school, my kids have actually GONE a total of 15 days. Me? I've been in a perpetual rut of pajamas all day for the past 2 months. On days when I actually could (and wanted to) go out, I got sick and spent the day in the incompetent care of the ER staff at the hospital.

Today, at least there are blue skies. Though the wind is howling and the snow is blowing, at least I can watch it from the warmth of my own home with the laughter and chaos of a family I'm crazy about. As much as that warms this heart of mine, I'm still just plain ol' ready for Spring. And when Punxsutawney Phil comes out in February, you can bet I'll be there waiting with sunglasses on, beachbag over shoulder and a baseball bat in hand ready to beat his hairy body to a pulp if he dares tell me we have 6 weeks of winter left.

My Top Songs Played in 2009

2010-01-03T20:23:00.000-08:00

I like to do dumb things. I'm not ashamed of it. In fact, I'm almost proud to be guilty of that truth. Random and meaningless statistics are interesting to me. I was at Scooter's Coffeehouse this afternoon with my headphones near full blast, drowning out the sanity-wrenching sounds of the blender making smoothies, when I recognized a small little statistic I often overlook in my iTunes Library. (Are you on the edge of your seat yet?)

On the right hand side of my columns, I saw a "Count" column, indicating which songs in my iTunes Library were played the most often. What better fun, I thought to myself, would it be than to change this snowy day into a ray of informational sunlight? I clicked to sort which songs I played the most, and the results were somewhat surprising to even me.

Since I know you're all so excited to know the results, I was going to really keep the suspense going in complete Ryan Seacrest style, but I'm just not nearly that patient of a person...another character flaw that I like to see as a major plus. The results are in and here are the Top 10 Most Popular Songs played by Kasey during the year of 2009. (Drumroll please.....)

10. You Got Me by Colbie Caillat. This is impressive, given the fact I hadn't gotten her new CD until just before Thanksgiving. Clearly all variables aren't calculated into this equation.

9. Listen by Beyonce Knowles. This is an attitude song, gave me the *umph* I needed in a lot of my days, when I needed that black-woman "no you di'nt" frame of mind to get my stuff done.

8. Beautiful by....Ummm...Well, I'll just say it's the radio edit version. It's an inspiring song to me about walking in other people's shoes and never letting someone say you aren't beautiful because they don't know what you've been through)

7. Better in Time by Leona Lewis. I LOVE this woman's voice, it's pure and passionate and her songs often are the written thoughts of my own heart.

6. Anytime by Kelly Clarkson. I was a little bit surprised by this one because I didn't think I listened that much to this song. Possibly happened when I had a certain playlist on repeat and left for the day. However, I do love the lyrics to this song and I do maintain that it is one of her better vocals.

5. I Need A Savior by Among the Thirsty. The title pretty much says it all. It's fair to say I've played this song quite a few times. It's a great one to reflect on and it's the plain and simple truth of my life.

4. Laughing With by Regina Spektor. I first heard this song performed by her on David Letterman (before he got weird) and I couldn't quite understand what she was saying. The next morning I did a little YouTube search on the song and fell in love with it. A great song with plays on words on how many people laugh at God and the thought of God until they NEED God.

3. Music of the Night by David Cook. Stop judging me. Not only is this one of the greatest songs written of all time, but performed by American Idol winner David Cook, who just so happens to be incredibly easy on the eyes as well. Every lyric and word is not only enchanting but also full of passion (is there a pattern here?) and life and just plain ol' mmmm. I can close my eyes and he's singing it in my ear. Again, stop judging me.

2. Gira Con Mi by Josh Groban. Speaks for itself. Josh Groban, um hello! Singing in Italian, um hello! Singing about love and the moon and....love, um hello! It's all good, my friends. ALLLL good. Every once in awhile, I take a moment post-listen to ask for forgiveness.

AND THE #1 MOST LISTENED TO SONG BY KASEY IN 2009 IS...........

1. Prodigal by Casting Crowns. Practically a self-written song about my life, asking "Daddy" to take me back again after failing. This song topped the Josh Groban song by nearly 40 plays.

So there you have it, ladies and gentlemen (all 2 of you who actually read my blogs when I write). I encourage you all to make a playlist of your own with these songs on them. Listen to them slowly and closely and over and over again and you will subtly and somewhat profoundly get a slight insight into the life I lived in 2009.

Sometimes it's hard to understand

2009-10-28T14:12:00.000-07:00

Every now and again, there are times when something happens during the day and you are absolutely forced to stop in your tracks and just...well, stop. I had one of those moments today.

There has been a man in church that I have always admired. I see him almost every Sunday in church with his two kids, junior high age. There are times when I watch him more than I listen to the sermon. I do this for no other reason than admiration. It really is that simple.

I don't know his full story, and to be honest, I ALWAYS struggle with what his name even is. But I do know that he is a single father who has raised these children after his wife died of cancer. My admiration for him comes from his parenting, yes, but also just for his evident joy and dependence on the Lord for strength.

Today, I am sure he is summoning the Lord to give him a little bit more strength than normal. I found out today that he has pancreatic cancer. And it's bad. The kind of bad that doesn't look promising. When given this information to pray about, it was accompanied by these words: "Pray for either a miracle or that he will be given wisdom to know what to do with his kids."

My day stopped and my heart sank and I was absolutely overwhelmed with questions. Why would God put something like this on someone like that who has already gone through so much? Sometimes these things just don't make sense. They don't seem fair. They don't seem right.

As I tried to explain the situation to my children who overheard the conversation, it brought a smile to my face to be able to tell them that Steve knows Jesus and that, even though it's hard to understand why God would take a Mommy or a Daddy away from their kids, it's good that he knows and has a real and deep relationship with the Lord. Though my heart aches for him and his family, it also rejoices in knowing the legacy of fatherhood he is leaving with his children as he has raised his kids in faith and the knowledge of God.

Burned Out on a King's Birth

2009-10-13T07:14:00.001-07:00

It's not a secret to anyone that I don't like Christmas. When I was younger, I couldn't WAIT for the holiday...the surprises, the presents, the trees, the egg nog. I loved it. But somewhere in the time between 7 years old and 31, I began to literally HATE Christmas.

You may wonder why I am bringing this up now. It's October. And this is my point, exactly!

I went to Target the other day to look at potential costumes for my kids for Halloween. I strolled with a childlike grin on my face through two aisles of everything from Wonder Woman and pirates to ghosts and pilots. As I rounded the corner of the aisle to make my way to the next, it's as if time stood still for me and every sound of crying kids and intercom blips went silent.

CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS!!!!!

If I could have dramatically fainted or screamed an awe-inspiring shriek at the time, I would have. But instead, my mouth slightly dropped open, I rolled my eyes like a 12 year old girl and whispered to myself "Here....we......go!" Christmas, in October, is already being shoved in our faces. The snowmen, the lights, the trees, the ribbons and ornaments, the largely obnoxious Christmas countdown that ticks away at every moment of my sanity!

You see, it's not necessarily the fact that I don't like the holiday so much as it the culture we live in and how it buys into the idea that we are obligated to give each other gifts before we kneel at the side of the manger of a humble King. Kids become disgruntled at the lack of getting exactly what they wanted or not enough of what they really didn't need in the first place. Parents become stressed and further indebted in thinking that the more they put on a credit card, the happier their family will be to celebrate together.

There are a few Christmas songs that I REALLY love. O Holy Night and Silent Night are two of my all-time favorite Christmas songs. When the Christmas music comes on in the shopping malls and stores the day after Halloween, however, I become inclined to start to despise the songs. After I hear it roughly 237 times over the course of 70 days, performed by appromixately 31 different artists within 12 seperate generes, it gets a little old. I get burned out on it. And then I never want to listen to it again.

Unfortunately, this seems to be the same kind of process I go through with the story of Jesus' birth and the events surrounding it. Do I like to admit that I get burned out on it? No. But it's a truth. I would LOVE to have a "Christmas" message on the first day of Easter, or on Valentine's Day, or just ANY day in the middle of the year. I'd like to celebrate the birth of Jesus just because it gives so much meaning to my life, not just because it's the time of year to do it.

It's October. I want to be able to enjoy my appetizers of Halloween and Thanksgiving before I'm force-fed the buffet of Christmas! :)

UPS Delivery

2009-09-29T18:56:00.001-07:00

I wonder if the UPS delivery man realizes that he just delivered something to my door that is going to change my life...

www.igetpaidtodrinkcoffee.com/yates

Kasey's Great Adventures

2009-09-23T18:07:00.000-07:00

Welcome to a new addition of Kasey's Great Adventures. In today's episode, I have chosen to take you on a little journey called "It's Gonna Cuz It Has To". Last night, I finally signed up to be a part of a MLM organization that sells gourmet coffee designed, patented and proven to help lose weight and burn fat. When I first heard of the company, I was highly interested and have been on the edge of signing on for the past two months.

Last night, I finally did it. I jumped. With toes curled on the edge and fists clenched, I took a deep breath, relaxed and jumped into something that I believe to have HUGE potential for me and our family. So here I go, embarking on yet another of my adventures. I don't want to be a millionaire, I don't even want to be a multi-thousandaire. I just want enough money to have some money left over at the end of the month and to be able to GIVE, GIVE, GIVE most of it away. I want to be able to bless with my blessings. I want to be able to focus more attention on Tiny Hands and the work that needs to be done and less on money we need to raise just so we can do it. I want to help my Mom get out of debt. I want to be able to randomly give $500 anonymously to someone who may be in a financial bind.

And if I get to drink coffee and tea and lose weight and burn fat trying to get to that place, then by golly, I'm gonna at least give it a try! And it's GOING to work because it has to! Bon voyage!

No Human-Trafficking Awareness Month?

2009-09-14T18:40:00.000-07:00

I am admittedly a little bit annoyed and let me dive right in and tell you why. As most people close to me know, I am very passionate about the issue of sex-trafficking prevention. To me, sex-trafficking is one of the most heinous, deplorable crimes because of all the factors that play into it: kidnapping, rape, deceit, fraud, bribery and sometimes murder. As if that isn't enough, young and innocent girls are often the victims, girls as young as 6 years old. It is illegal everywhere, but it happens anyway. And most people, if they don't know about it, don't want to talk about it.

I was exploring something on the internet today with this in mind. Everything seems to have an "Awareness Month" these days. When I was looking over all the different months, I found things as silly as Pet Dental Month, Lawn Care Month, Hamburger Month, Soul Food Month and Peanut Butter Lovers Month (the last one obviously being one I plan to celebrate in it's entirety). Sex-trafficking Awareness Month...nowhere to be found.

Unless there are more sources out there than my very extensive online research gave me (that being the first and only "hit" I checked out), I cannot find anything even closely resembling a sex-trafficking awareness month. So, this is why I'm annoyed. I started to realize how caught up we get with inconsequential things in our society. I really don't care what Brad and Angelina are fighting about now or what the stars look like without their makeup on. Okay, maybe that's only half true. But to have nothing about human-trafficking? NOTHING? Twenty-eight million people are enslaved today, more than ANY time in history, and the majority of it is either slave labor or forced sexual servitude.

This is a child's issue, a man's issue, a woman's issue and it should be EVERYONE'S issue, whether it is simply and soley just to pray for the issue. An issue like this that is so darkly and intricately woven into the threads of a society and culture can only be broken by the power of intentional prayer. I believe that very firmly. But is must, it MUST, first have awareness of what it really is!

Paul and I, together with Tiny Hands International, have created a prayer initiative specifically for this reason. The initiative is called "One Girl". It is a spiritual and prayerful commitment to uphold sex-trafficking prevention up in prayer. Daily, you commit yourself to pray for one girl, whether it is a girl vulnerable to being trafficked, already across those borders, being sold into a brothel or one who has been discarded into the streets as a useless because of HIV. You can pray for a brothel owner, a man entering the brothel, the parent's who unknowingly sell their daughters into this life thinking they are giving them a hope for a better future in education and employment. The bottom line is, we need prayer warriors to bring this issue into the light of reality for people, one girl at a time.

Since May, Tiny Hands International has had a hand in intercepting over 400 girls at the border monitoring stations between Nepal and India. But whether it was 400 girls or just one girl, it was a life that was saved from this unthinkable atrocity. So whether or not we have the backing of an official month of awareness, we ARE going to get sex-trafficking prevention into the forefront of people's minds.

Rain and rainbows

2009-09-03T12:34:00.000-07:00

Rain, rain, go away! Come again another day.

It's raining, it's pouring, the old man is snoring...

Why does rain get such a bad rap, anyway? What did rain ever do to us?!? Okay, so maybe it flooded the entire earth at one time and pretty much wiped out all of mankind, but come on. Let's not hold a grudge. That was thousands of years ago.

I happen to be one of the few people (it seems) that really enjoys rain. I love the smell of rain, I love the sound of rain, I love thunderstorms, I love to play in the rain! In fact, I have a location here in town where, every time it rains, I dream of standing there and letting the cars splash me with water when they pass by and hydroplane. I love it.

Growing up, my sister and brother and I would play outside when it rained. We had a game we would play where we would each color the end of a toothpick a different color and essentially set it in the water in the street and have races. I KNOW I won most of the time but somehow my bigger siblings (who usually bullied me out of my victories) claimed the win. Regardless of win to loss ratio, it's something I always remember when it starts to rain.

Sometimes when it rains, I think of a song my Mom used to sing to me. I like the whole song, but the phrase in the song that I love the most is talking about the name of Jesus being "like the fragrance after the rain." Sometimes when it rains, it reminds me of my golf tournaments that would get rained out when I was younger and how I would have to wait it out in the snack bar at the clubhouse. One of my favorite sounds of rain is in the car when the heavy drops pound on the windshield. Rain, in many ways, sums up my personality. Most people don't like it, most people would rather do without it, but when it stops raining, they're glad it was there for the time...

In the spring and late summer, I always look for rainbows after the rain. Rainbows remind me of the promise God made to never flood the earth again. Without light, rainbows wouldn't appear...a reminder that God's light brings forth beautiful things even in the midst of my dark and rainy times in life.

One of my favorite songs is by an ex-American Idol performer (who, in my opinion, should have won that season, but that's for another blog). Her name is LaToya London and the song is "How I Love The Rain". Check it out sometime if you have a chance, even if it's just the lyrics. Instead of letting rain ruin your days, let it be a reminder of something special in your life. Then when it comes, you won't be so inclined to sing the song to make it go away!

Senior Pictures

2009-08-31T11:03:00.000-07:00

This is my first round at taking Senior Photos. I'm just posting a few of my favorite ones I've taken....there are many more but these are some of my personal favorites.

http://cmd.shutterfly.com/commands/pictures/slideshow?site=kaseyyatesphotography&page=kaseyyatesphotography&album=150

Andre's First QB Start - LCS vs Brownell Talbot

2009-08-29T08:13:00.000-07:00

Can't help but brag about my nephew!

By TODD HENRICHS / Lincoln Journal Star | Posted: Friday, August 28, 2009 6:25 pm

OMAHA - Lincoln Christian's young offense looked seasoned in the Crusaders' 26-14 season-opening win Friday afternoon at Brownell-Talbot.

First-year quarterback Andre Orduna completed 8 of 9 passes on Christian's first-half scoring drive, including a fourth-and-21 conversion. After the Crusaders had a TD called back because of a penalty, Orduna directed back-to-back scoring drives to open the third quarter.

The 5-foot-11 junior threw for three touchdowns in the game, completing 20 more than 215 yards.

"We've got some issues in the red zone to clean up, but we had the two big passing plays and we were pretty clean on offense," Christian coach Matt Farup said. "I was especially pleased with how the kids came out to start the second half."

Ben Manley, Collin Phelps and Sam Andrews caught TD passes and Andrews added a 54-yard scoring scamper on a reverse to pace the Crusaders.

Christian's defense, meanwhile, didn't allow a score until Alex Terry's sneak late in the third quarter. The Raiders added a safety and a Terry TD pass to Jack Zukaitis in the final minute.

Ramadan Kareem!

2009-08-25T19:30:00.000-07:00

Spent last night making a meal for my friend, Ali. I say night because that's actually what it was...it was around 9:30PM when we finally sat down to eat. You see, my lack of understanding in the observance of Ramadan in the Islamic culture drove me to invite him over for dinner. Out of his kindness, he obliged but asked if it could be after sundown. At the time, it didn't even occur to me why.

Thank God I planned to make chicken on the grill and not the pork tenderloin I was GOING to make but actually forgot to defrost. I later learned that pork is the ONE meat they cannot eat, at any time. Nice one, Kasey. Anyway, Ali came over with my friend Ann we had a great time talking about his culture, Ramadan, what it's like to be an Iraqi man living in the United States. I learned a lot about Ali last night, but even more about my close-minded self. Though I do not personally observe Ramadan, I certainly have a greater respect and understanding for those who do!

So long, Saby!

2009-08-24T07:08:00.000-07:00

For the most part, people who come into my life always go out. With the exception of family and a few close friends, I have pretty much resigned myself to the knowledge that that's just the way it is in my life. I've grown to accept it, almost the degree of it being "unhealthy" because I don't let many people all that close to me.

Saby Sarkar is an exception. I met Saby while I was working at Scooter's Coffeehouse. He walked in with a briefcase and gave a smile that had all the markings of a mischievous little boy. At the time I met him, Paul was getting ready to go to Nepal and India for the first time and we had been trying to figure out as much as the culture as we could. After a short time of talking, Saby told me I certainly had to meet his brother, Ami.

I made Saby his tea and a short while later, Paul came in to the coffeehouse. I told him about my meeting with Saby and that he needed to go talk to him. From there, a friendship formed between all of us that is one of the closest friendships I hold to my heart.

Over time, we've done a few things with Saby and his brother, Ami. They are incredible cooks and even more incredible hosts. Not only are they brilliant, but they are also humble and extremely generous and genuine. Both brothers are people whom I will never forget and who have certainly changed my life. Because of their friendship, they have also introduced Paul and I to MANY new friends from a variety of different backgrounds and cultures, something that Paul and I absolutely LOVE!

Saby is moving to Boston tomorrow morning and last night we saw him for the "last" time. Even though most people seem to come and go in my life, Saby will remain there forever, regardless of time or space. Of all the people in my life, Saby certainly holds a very special place in my heart. I'll miss him greatly, I wish him the very best and I hope to be able to hang out with him again in India someday!

No more for now, thank you.

2009-08-21T12:14:00.001-07:00

This is what I crave today: A basic social conversation. You tell me something that's one your mind, I'll tell you something on mine. Nothing about kids, nothing about Tiny Hands, nothing about politics, religion or anything that will make me think too much.

Perhaps it's not a conversation I'm after, afterall, but companionship. Let's go to a movie, let's go get coffee, let's just go on a walk and watch the sunset. Even a text message.

Oh, wait. Scratch that, because they next two weeks are already booked with Tiny Hands and the kid's stuff. Not that that's bad or anything, but it's the ONLY thing I do anymore. I'm about to implode!

On the To Do list next week: Fill more of your day up doing stuff so you don't have the time to think about this like you did today.

B-O-R-I-N-G!

2009-08-20T11:50:00.000-07:00

I bet you didn't think I'd be back today, did you? Well, I debated it, but have to say, this quiet house is already making me nuts. A blog, therefore, seems to be the best release of my multitude of inner thoughts. I add to that statement a slight disclaimer to be able to take that comment back at some point if I feel like it.

My day has ultimately just been a series of events adding to the boredom of my life. Granted, I had somewhat decided to lay low these first three days as the kids were in school. Next week, I tell ya, is a different story! Yah.

Something very sad happened this morning. The kids wanted me to drop them off outside school and let them walk in together....alone. Did you hear that? ALONE! The only thing alone, however, was ME! I got rushed kisses goodbye in the car and they grabbed their backpacks, almost as big as them, and scurried up the steps to their school without even looking back. I stayed a few seconds longer after seeing the door shut, y'know...just in case they wanted to wave again or blow me a kiss. I proceeded on my drive of shame to Scooter's to meet with a friend.

My meeting at Scooter's was actually quite exciting. We talked about some potential income-earning ideas for me personally, apart from Tiny Hands and that actually excited me. Oh, how I would love to be fully supported! I'm getting rather tired of hearing those same words every day..."Once we get fully supported....". Booo. Anyway, the meeting went well even though all I had was a water. I felt like lights were flashing in the kitchen "Warning: Cheapskate Loser on board!" I miss my discounts.

I came back to an empty house where I was again, quite bored. I managed to do a survey or EIGHT on Facebook to pass time until I decided I wanted to start preparing for dinner. In a whirlwind of culinary inspiration, I just decided to start baking and cooking whatever came to mind. In the end, it turns out we're having chicken tortilla soup and mashed potatoes (I still believe that I personally make the best), and German Chocolate Cake. Paul is not happy about the selection. Seems he thinks mashed potatoes and soup don't go that well together. My level of concern: zero.

For the past 10-15 minutes, I have had an on-again, off-again stare down with the creepy Time Warner guy parked in his truck outside my house. Seems he can telepathically determine my level of distain for the company he works for. Sorry, sir. Not in THIS casa! I hope I'll have more interesting things to blog about in the days and weeks to come. But until then, you're going to just have to listen to the random boring events of my day.

Peace, love, and comfort snacks ~ KKY

After 6 years...

2009-08-19T10:57:00.000-07:00

OK, so I took a slight break from blogging. To be honest, I forgot I even had this blog page until I was reminded about it by a friend. Half of the time, I figure most people don't care what I have to say. The other half, I figure most people shouldn't really know what's really on my mind. Therefore, I keep my hands to working instead of typing. I'll try to be better about it. Helloooooo? Anyone out there?

So today, my son started Kindergarten. I wiped a few tears away last night when I put him to bed and he kept asking me to tickle his back and hair. TJ and I have a special closeness. I suppose it's different with each child, but there is something to be said about a Mama and her baby boy. Don't tell my brother I said that...we have an ongoing debate if he's the favorite child because he's the only boy and the oldest, or if I am because I'm the baby and the all-around best :)

The tears lasted long enough for me to release the emotion and get some red eyes, but I held it together with no problems when I dropped him off today at school. Ultimately, I'm just so proud of those kids of mine. They've grown up so fast and I can only imagine how much faster it gets from now.

It's a strange silence I am experiencing in the house. I took the dog for a run around Holmes Lake today. It was "supposed" to be a run, but turned out to be more of a quick walk because I forgot to put her walking leash on her. (Totally not because I'm out of shape...) Perfect day, yet so awkward to be at home with no noise at all. I have a feeling the oven is going to get over-worked a little bit as I attempt to be Mom-of-the-Year in the category of After-School treats. That phase will last about a week and then I'll be back to chips and Little Debbies, I'm sure.

Now that I've quit my job as a barista, coffee and lattes are suddenly much more expensive for me. I may have to try to manipulate some discounted drinks out of some people. I'm sure there's a discount somewhere out there for people in full-time ministry. If not, my winter is going to be a very long winter at home with movies, my writing and baths. Scary thought.

So for now, I'll be back on this thing more often...if for no other reason, to convince myself that someone's listening to me :) Back tomorrow ~ K

The Wonder of It All

2008-10-08T00:02:00.000-07:00

When Paul and I signed up with Tiny Hands International, I had no idea what I was in for...personally. The ironic thing of it all is that, of all the major decisions in my life, the decision to move towards Tiny Hands was, by far, the easiest one I have ever had and certainly the most clear. Paul and I have both always had a heart for missions. We have always known we wanted to serve missions in some capacity. Opportunities often came up; many of them.

In the beginning of our marriage, we had signed up to go on a mission trip together to Haiti with our church. That fell through when we got custody of his daughter a few weeks before the trip was to happen, and leaving the country at that time just didn't seem like a logical or smart option. Paul has served on mission committees at church. I've done photography and video work for other missions and non-profit organizations. Paul has always been drawn to kids less fortunate. I have always been drawn to ministries for women, sexually and emotionally abused women. Where do we serve? How can we serve together? Teammates, Big Brother Big Sister, Friendship Home, Lincoln Crisis Pregnancy Center? We wrestled with many options, but never felt overly compelled towards a specific one, and if we were, one of us wanted it more than the other.

When Tiny Hands came along with a ministry for children's homes AND women who have suffered the horrors or sex trafficking and forced prostitution, the answer was abundantly clear. Crystal clear. And then came the first trip to Nepal. It was obvious, again, that we could not both go together, as our kids are just too young to be separated from BOTH of us for such a long period of time. Paul and I have a very unique relationship, I think. We do everything together. Pause...maybe I didn't make myself clear enough. EVERYTHING!!! Three weeks apart from each other would be a completely new experience for the both of us.

My heart was eased by the idea of the work Paul would be doing, and more by the work God would be doing THROUGH Tiny Hands International. The idea of him flying half way around the world into a somewhat hostile area didn't bother me at all. Didn't even blink an eye. The separation, I knew, would be painful and somewhat unbearable, and that self-made prophecy has certainly come to fruition. Surprisingly so, in fact.

But here is the thing that has amazed me, and it has been yet another testament of how God works in God's ways. Not my ways. Not Paul's ways. And God's ways are, as we know, unexpectedly perfect. We know they are perfect, yet we still have our own ideas of how He will work. I have found, particularly in these past couple weeks with Paul away, that God didn't just have in mind to show Paul things or to just open Paul's eyes to a new culture (he had never been out of the country prior to this first trip). God had a whole bag of tricks up His sleeve in what He planned to teach ME.

The weakness of every aspect of my personality has been exposed to me. I have often prided myself on my so-thought "strength". The comfort in my laid back personality has always made it easy for me to just go with the flow with very little panic or concern. And I certainly grew up knowing that God provides everything we need. But there are a few aspects of my personality that have always been blatently flawed, which have been exposed to me in more ways than one, and I have been humbled.

I find it very difficult to accept help from people, let alone ask for it. I even struggle in asking my own Mother for help babysitting when Paul is here; not because I don't want her to do it, but because it is just that difficult for me to ask for help from anyone. I have a self-absorbed pride that continually leads me to think that I can do everything on my own and I don't need anyone's help. Add to that, the perfectionistic side of my personality, and you have a person who, not only wants to do it all on my own, but also insists on it being done in my way.

I have had to release so much during this time. I've had to ask for prayers. I've had to ask for help babysitting. I've had to admit that I'm not as strong as I think I am. I've had to say "No" to things I've really wanted to say "Yes" to. I've had to surrender the control of my own will and way and acknowledge that some things (in fact, MOST things) are out of my hands and in the hands of the Almighty. I've had to face the harsh, yet calming realization, that God is guiding me into a place where I am forced to my knees and into submission to what He wants to teach me. Patience, trust, peace, healing, rest...these words are not just cliche prayer words anymore. I bring them humbly and, almost frustratingly, before the throne of His grace, and submit them to the adoration of His perfect ways. I've had to admit that I can't. I've had to stand firm that I won't. I've had to ask for forgiveness. I've had to seek the company of God in my times of lonliness and I've had to realize how often I neglect my time spent in communion with God, and God alone.

When Paul and I signed up to work with Tiny Hands International to help other people, I had no idea how much help I would need from other people. I had no idea how much God wanted to teach ME. I had no idea, not even the inclination of a thought, about what bad shape my heart, mind and attitude was in. "Thou will keep Him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on Thee".

Negative Nancy...Negative Jeff!

2008-10-07T07:34:00.001-07:00

I get a kick out of Jeff. You don't know Jeff, most likely. He's an attorney. Not that being an attorney has anything to do with it. Jeff comes in to Scooters with his fellow attorney buddies, all of whom seem a little bit more on the negative side. The come in looking grumpy, like they hate life and everything about it. Jeff is no exception.

Normally, negative people drive me insane, but this group of attorneys are actually some of my favorite people! Add to that, we have nearly complete opposite opinions on practically everyting in life...politics, religion, law, social justice...you name it. I like them all, but I am particularly drawn to Jeff because he is the most negative one of all. Everything that comes out of his mouth is negative.

This morning, I was at Scooters, in line to get my mocha. He came in and cut in front of me to be funny, and I laughed. "Really, Jeff? This is how I'm going to start my day?" is what I said to him. I braced myself as I asked my next question. "How was your weekend?"

Blah, blah, blah...he went on.

"Tell me something great that has happened so far today." I asked.

Blah, blah, blah.

He went off to his colleagues as I, admittedly, chose a seat close to them so I could eavesdrop on them. It is their custom to talk for about a half hour and then get refills before they head back to the office. So, today, I decided to get Jeff's refill for him before he went up.

"Refill of Viennese Cinnamon" I heard him say as he approached the counter.

"Kasey got it for you, you're good."

I heard silence....and as he walked out the door, he turned with a smile and said "Thanks, Kasey". That single smile made my entire day! The saying, I believe, is very very true....no one needs a smile more than the one that doesn't give one. I am committed to making him smile every single time I see him. The love of Jesus compels me.

I have a date with Matthew McConaughey!

2008-10-06T15:41:00.000-07:00

Just to spite KC, my sister-in-law, for harassing me about my photo with Matthew McConaughey, I thought it should be known that I am planning a very late night watching Matthew McConaughey's movies. I plan to watch Failure to Launch, A Time to Kill and Wedding Planner, and I plan to be up very late doing so. Jerk.

An English Proverb of a Day

2008-10-06T00:53:00.000-07:00

There's a funny little game my Mom and I play. I'm not sure when or where it started, or even how, but it's a funny little game. I'm certain you are on the edge of your seat in excitment and anticipation to find out what exactly this game is...Well, it doesn't really have a name, but this is how it works: When someone says a "saying", especially those common in the English Proverb section, we go back and forth, continuing on until we run out of wittiness and, let's be honest, maturity.

The more I think of it, the more I think my Mom is responsible for my love affair with quips and quotes. I go nowhere without my well-established Quote Book with me in my purse. Growing up, she would write quotes in the side of her Bible next to special verses that meant something. She would cut out certain quotes or poems from newspapers or magazines, or write them out and tape them to the refrigerator. I find myself doing the same thing. Ahh, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

My mom and I have been spending more time together with Paul being out of town. But you know how it goes, when the cat's away, the mice will play. I miss him so much, but absence makes the heart grow fonder. And fonder, I most certainly have become! I'm quickly learning how many things I don't know how to do around the house! Or may I be slightly more honest here...I don't WANT to do them. Our black lab has left land mines in the backyard. NOT GOING THERE!!!! There's bugs and disease out there, people! Better safe than sorry!!!

To distract my mind, I've taken up the art of reading. I have to be instantly drawn to a book in order to read it. A friend of mine strongly suggested the book Redeeming Love, a story about a woman that learned to overcome the struggle associated with sexual abuse. I definitely want to read it, but when my Mom gave me the book, the cover did not match my image of the book's description, and I was immediately turned off by it. I judged the cover.

I really need to not put off tomorrow what I can do today. Case in point: Ants! When Paul left, there was a small, yet relentless army of ants marching from our garage to the kitchen sink. Each day, I kill more ants. Each day, they send in a new infantry of tougher, more impervious ants. I swear if I held a magnifying glass to them, I may be able to see helmets and bayonets being carried. Some may have flags; Confederate ones, I'm sure. I looked one in the eye this morning (or at least what I perceived to be it's eye...it was tiny) and with my greatest advice ever given, I told that little ant "The grass is always greener on the other side". He never got that far, however. There is a quote that little fellah won't be able to fulfill..."If at first you don't succeed, try, try again." Makes it difficult to try, try again when you're smashed on a kitchen counter.

As much as my black lab, Selah, is driving me nuts, I know that she is Paul's little project. He is determined to have a disciplined dog. I think he finally came to terms that he doesn't have a disciplined wife, so the dog is the next best step. I heard from someone that you have to teach a dog obedience from 7 months old until one year and after that, the teaching gets more difficult. And guess what little Miss Kasey did today?!? I taught Selah how to shake. It was one of my more proud moments of the day. You just can't teach an old dog new tricks!

I wish I could sleep, but I have accepted the fact that I just can't do it while Paul is gone. The good thing is, I get much done in the wee small hours of the morning. Add to that, a personality of a person who can't sit still, and the fact that I deliberately had a 3 shot espresso mocha at 8 o'clock tonight, I figured I would be up late again. What can I say, a rolling stone gathers no moss. Catch me if you can!

Happy Birthday, Kelly....and more thoughts on Nepal

2008-10-04T01:11:00.000-07:00

First and foremost, I must wish my older sister a very Happy Birthday today! If you don't know her, her name is Kelly. She gives the best hugs in the world. She squeezes so hard that you wonder at times if you're supposed to beg for mercy, but she lets go just before that point when you think, for a split second, you may just pass out in her arms. She is a master cook, a gracious hostess, a hospitality guru, and most importantly, she loves Jesus with all her heart, soul and mind and SHOWS it! Happy Birthday, Kelzy! Love your hair, love your shoes!

Now, back to me. Remember me? I'm Kasey, the baby of the family, the one who can never sleep and ends up writing blogs in the middle of the night that make about as much sense as Barbara Walters after a novocaine shot.

Here's the thing upsetting me at the moment. I woke up tonight at 3 a.m. as I do almost every night (or morning, I suppose). I have a friend who I've recently met who has a very clever line of t-shirts called "I Will Not Apologize"...check them out at www.iwillnotapologize.com. There are several witty ones such as "I will not apologize for my coffee breath" or "I will not apologize for going green"....things that we get tired of feeling the need to apologize for. So, the reason I woke up is because my mind won't shut off several of the ideas that I have for new t-shirts. Here's the thing I find a little bit ironic, but mostly disturbing. My wake-me-up thought was this: "I need a t-shirt that says 'I will not apologizing for feeling the need to constantly apologize for everything I need to apologize for'." (If I hear, think or even type the word 'apologize' one more time, you reserve the right now, or at any time, to pinch the back of my arms....it's very painful, trust me). Do you see now how the Barbara Walters analogy plays into this blog. Cute, huh?

Well, I'm awake. It's 2:12pm in Nepal time, 3:33am in Kasey time. It's going to be a full day for me today. I am planning to go to one of the final Farmer's Markets downtown with my kids. TJ, I'm sure, will wear his Nebraska football helmet. We'll walk around and I'll people watch while we follow our routine of coffee stop, rye bread stop, breakfast sandwich stop, curb stop, train stop and Mommy's-exhausted stop. Later on I'll be tailgaiting for the first time in my life (other than last year at this time while down in Texas, tailgaiting with the Longhorns AS a Longhorn fan FOR the Texas vs. Nebraska game...did I mention that's when I met Matthew McConaughey?) That's no lie.....I give you Exhibit A for Amazing....

So yeah, Ummmmmmmm, where was I? (P.S. We ARE snuggling a little bit, aren't we?)

Anyway, I'm tailgaiting and then later going to the NE vs. Missouri Homecoming game with my friend, Sabrina. Here's the thing...I will see the 85,000 plus fans in the stands and will, undoubtedly, be a little bit upset with our society, myself included. Spending all that money to watch college kids play a sport...the skyboxes, the entertainment, the advertising, the news and journalism. I think of ALL the money that goes into sports and our society's love affair with it, and then my heart goes to Nepal. I don't want to have this judgmental mentality of our culture and society because we have been blessed beyond measure here in the United States. I love the country I live in. I love the freedoms of speech and religion I have. But I often wonder if we have gotten so lost in those freedoms that we forget the lack of freedom elsewhere. If all of those 85,000 people gave just one PENNY, that $850 would support a sex-trafficking monitoring station for almost a half of a year! That may not seem like much, until you consider that 10,000 girls are trafficked each year between Nepal and India. And if even one girl was intercepted from that life of horror...ONE girl; that ONE penny will have literally saved a life.

I admit this openly: I am full of judgment and hypocrisy...it's not just a little bit; I am filled to the brim of my mental being with it. This is horrible insight into myself that I am trying to shake. I am trying to find the balance of having a passion and a heart for a people, a culture and a mission, and understanding when other's do not share that same passion. I am praying daily that God wipes me clean of that. There is nothing beneficial in it; only a tool for Satan to distract from the work that really needs to be done. I find a tremendous about of joy in the work being done by people in all parts of the world, in all parts of our country, in all parts of each state and city and town. It has never been more apparent to me than now, that people need the Lord. People NEED Him.