Unbelievable. No...really.  I am spending yet another night listening to the air conditioner trip on and off, a shaky light on the ceiling fan above, and my tired husband, snoring blissfully into the night. Caffeine is not to blame today. As far as I can remember, I had little to none today anyway. 

In the recent weeks, I have found myself getting an increasing lack of sleep. Make sense? Be it stress, anxiety, espresso in the veins or merely just the fact that silence and Kasey-time doesn't come until everyone is dreaming, I have been on a no-sleep rampage lately that I don't think is going away anytime soon. Tonight, I have browsed the internet looking at photography tips, the history of Hindu and Buddhism in India, and I've found a few silly little YouTube movies. I've checked my email, edited and organized several of my own photos, cured a self-inflicted bloody nose (shoved my finger up there a little too far), and attempted to massage the aches of my feet with the balls of my feet.  I've prayed, I've meditated on Scripture, I've written, I've read through some of my favorite inspirational quotes, I've even tried a glass of milk. Yet here I am. 

Unbelievable.

Today in church, Pastor Schnake talked about the importance of not finding "rest" or peace in people, events or things. It was a good reminder to me to look into my own heart and life. The more I do so, the more I realize the level of hypocrisy I daily allow myself to reach. I am a walking contradiction of beliefs, views, actions, opinions, facts and so much more. I want to trust God with my life. I want to trust Him to provide where provision seems impossible. I want to believe in His purpose for my life when my direction seems ambiguous. I want to surrender in obedience to Him when my will and my way seem so much more logical and entertaining. 

I think some of my sleep deprivation is due to the anxiety I have been feeling because of my inability to rest in the Lord. I always tend to think I can do things on my own, or that I am strong enough to neglect my nagging resentments with the belief that it will just go away and I'll be fine. I coerce myself mentally into believing that merely thinking about something on a consistent basis constitutes prayer. Ha...how wrong I've been! 

Tomorrow, I resolve to practice the art of laying aside my burdens and walking day by day in the shadow of the wings of the Almighty God; to be held by Him and in His love, and to remember that nothing in this world...no distraction, no passion, no inconvenience, no test...is ever strong enough to pull me from His love. Nothing.

I've yawned a few times since the beginning of this blog entry. I take that as a good sign and maybe my cue to try a little harder to come up with a snore of my own.  This time, without the bloody nose.