A Gift or Not a Gift. That Is The Question.

I have a gift (at least I call it a gift) that I believe very few people have. It's not something I necessarily like, however. It's actually something that is a little bit disturbing to me in many ways, because it effects me every day, without fail. This gift is the very real and powerful knowledge, and consequently respect of, the omnipotence of God.

Not only do I have the sense of His power, but also His control. From the time I was very young, I remember being taught by word and experience, that nothing happens outside of the control of God. I have constantly been reminded also that, though we may not always see His plan, it's HIS plan. HE is God, not I. And in retrospect to each and every difficult thing I have gone through, I have been able to see His plan at work.

That being said, I have a calming, yet ominous sense of mortality, my own and those around me. Every morning when I wake up, I give consideration to the fact that it very well may be my last day on earth or the last day of someone I love. When tragedies happen and I hear people say "I just never thought it would happen to me", I can't relate. I think everything WILL happen to me. It arouses in me a deeper sense of gratefulness at times, being thankful for being given one more day.

But at the same time it can be quite paralytic. Often times I find myself not wanting to get too close to others because I'm not quite certain I could handle the pain of losing them. Other times, I don't take risks I want to take because I feel I'm not ready for my time to be up. I hear sirens, and I'm certain it's someone I know or love. I constantly think of exit points when I'm in a public venue, just in case a gunman shows up. I can't sit at restaurants with my back to the door. That borders on being just good old fashioned paranoid!

While I appreciate the feeling of always feeling like "something bad" CAN happen at any given moment, it's also a rather frustrating place to be in. I trust few, I love even fewer. Sometimes I don't even trust myself. This feeling, however, also contributes to my spontaneous and "fun" side, enjoying and loving life because I don't want to miss out on anything. Yet not a morning goes by when I get into my car and I don't think about it being my last time. Not a night passes where I don't kiss my kids and thank God for giving them to me for one more day.

I still can't figure out if this "gift" is a bad or a good thing. Maybe it's a smidge of both. And I'm working on trusting people more, loving with a little more risk and just being plain ol' thankful for each and every moment I'm given on this crazy earth.