The Wonder of It All

When Paul and I signed up with Tiny Hands International, I had no idea what I was in for...personally. The ironic thing of it all is that, of all the major decisions in my life, the decision to move towards Tiny Hands was, by far, the easiest one I have ever had and certainly the most clear. Paul and I have both always had a heart for missions. We have always known we wanted to serve missions in some capacity. Opportunities often came up; many of them.

In the beginning of our marriage, we had signed up to go on a mission trip together to Haiti with our church. That fell through when we got custody of his daughter a few weeks before the trip was to happen, and leaving the country at that time just didn't seem like a logical or smart option. Paul has served on mission committees at church. I've done photography and video work for other missions and non-profit organizations. Paul has always been drawn to kids less fortunate. I have always been drawn to ministries for women, sexually and emotionally abused women. Where do we serve? How can we serve together? Teammates, Big Brother Big Sister, Friendship Home, Lincoln Crisis Pregnancy Center? We wrestled with many options, but never felt overly compelled towards a specific one, and if we were, one of us wanted it more than the other.

When Tiny Hands came along with a ministry for children's homes AND women who have suffered the horrors or sex trafficking and forced prostitution, the answer was abundantly clear. Crystal clear. And then came the first trip to Nepal. It was obvious, again, that we could not both go together, as our kids are just too young to be separated from BOTH of us for such a long period of time. Paul and I have a very unique relationship, I think. We do everything together. Pause...maybe I didn't make myself clear enough. EVERYTHING!!! Three weeks apart from each other would be a completely new experience for the both of us.

My heart was eased by the idea of the work Paul would be doing, and more by the work God would be doing THROUGH Tiny Hands International. The idea of him flying half way around the world into a somewhat hostile area didn't bother me at all. Didn't even blink an eye. The separation, I knew, would be painful and somewhat unbearable, and that self-made prophecy has certainly come to fruition. Surprisingly so, in fact.

But here is the thing that has amazed me, and it has been yet another testament of how God works in God's ways. Not my ways. Not Paul's ways. And God's ways are, as we know, unexpectedly perfect. We know they are perfect, yet we still have our own ideas of how He will work. I have found, particularly in these past couple weeks with Paul away, that God didn't just have in mind to show Paul things or to just open Paul's eyes to a new culture (he had never been out of the country prior to this first trip). God had a whole bag of tricks up His sleeve in what He planned to teach ME.

The weakness of every aspect of my personality has been exposed to me. I have often prided myself on my so-thought "strength". The comfort in my laid back personality has always made it easy for me to just go with the flow with very little panic or concern. And I certainly grew up knowing that God provides everything we need. But there are a few aspects of my personality that have always been blatently flawed, which have been exposed to me in more ways than one, and I have been humbled.

I find it very difficult to accept help from people, let alone ask for it. I even struggle in asking my own Mother for help babysitting when Paul is here; not because I don't want her to do it, but because it is just that difficult for me to ask for help from anyone. I have a self-absorbed pride that continually leads me to think that I can do everything on my own and I don't need anyone's help. Add to that, the perfectionistic side of my personality, and you have a person who, not only wants to do it all on my own, but also insists on it being done in my way.

I have had to release so much during this time. I've had to ask for prayers. I've had to ask for help babysitting. I've had to admit that I'm not as strong as I think I am. I've had to say "No" to things I've really wanted to say "Yes" to. I've had to surrender the control of my own will and way and acknowledge that some things (in fact, MOST things) are out of my hands and in the hands of the Almighty. I've had to face the harsh, yet calming realization, that God is guiding me into a place where I am forced to my knees and into submission to what He wants to teach me. Patience, trust, peace, healing, rest...these words are not just cliche prayer words anymore. I bring them humbly and, almost frustratingly, before the throne of His grace, and submit them to the adoration of His perfect ways. I've had to admit that I can't. I've had to stand firm that I won't. I've had to ask for forgiveness. I've had to seek the company of God in my times of lonliness and I've had to realize how often I neglect my time spent in communion with God, and God alone.

When Paul and I signed up to work with Tiny Hands International to help other people, I had no idea how much help I would need from other people. I had no idea how much God wanted to teach ME. I had no idea, not even the inclination of a thought, about what bad shape my heart, mind and attitude was in. "Thou will keep Him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on Thee".