The Longest Chapter

"Life is an adventure and a never-ending exploration of the heart."

I don't know where that quote came from or who said it. Today, I don't really care. I need to write today. A lot of times, I feel like it's all I have. Such a time is this.

We're closing in on yet another year. I'm sitting here in my living room with the rest of the family busy and I'm given a chance to just sit in quietness and just reflect on my life, particularly this last year. What have I accomplished this past year? What have I regretted? What has made me laugh or cry or smile or be angry?

I'm at a point in my life where I feel (FEEL being the emphasized word) that nothing is really changing. It feels like I've reached the longest chapter in my life and all I'm doing is writing about the same stuff over and over again. I feel like I have reached a point in my life where the only thing that changes is that each day gives me more and more opportunities to hurt or disappoint another person.

To me, I have experienced most things in life one could hope for...the love of a family, the devotion of a spouse, true love, richness and fullness of salvation and my joy in seeing my children grow up in the Lord. The innocence of children is such a beautiful and convicting thing. I am often forced to step back and ask myself "When did you actually GROW UP?" Where did my childhood go and when did I make the transition of being an immature, inexperienced kid to an immature, inexperienced adult? Where and when did all this responsibility shift to my corner?

I have realized the past several days in dealing with my own personal inner turmoil that so much of my time has been taken up by the whole "it's not fair" syndrome. Perhaps that's what made me an official adult...the point in which I could recognize that life is, in fact, NOT fair...to be able to simply step back, accept it and be able to acknowledge that life is full of uncertainties and inequities...and to be able to tip my hat and say "This hurts like hell....but it's okay."

If there is anything I've learned this past year, it has been the fact that life is destined to change. Good or bad, it ALWAYS changes. I've heard a lot of advice in my life, most of which has gone in one ear and out the other. But there has been a piece of advice from Abba that has always stayed with me. "Be still...know that I (not you, dear Kasey) am God." It is because of this one truth, this one piece of advice that has never faltered in my mind, that I know I am always adding new chapters in this life of mine. And regardless of how mundane or simple or complex or impossible the script appears, the Author is nothing but.