Paradox. Kasey.

Within a 24 hour time period, I can be the most paradoxical, contradictory, hypocritical person in the world. Eh, see...that's not even entirely true. It can happen within 24 seconds.

Situation: Grocery store. I start off on a good, healthy foot. Bananas, celery, apples, grapes...I walk around the store a little taller, almost cocky that I'm making such good culinary decisions. Once out of the produce aisle, I don't even recognize how far off my prideful healthy delight I have swayed until I go to the checkout aisle. The turkey bacon is covered by Cheetos. The lettuce hides behind the Famous Amos chocolate chips. My snack foods practically shine a light at me with a flashing red sign behind me, reading "Weak!"

The grocery store is the smallest and most trivial example I could come up with. I struggle with this in literally every single area of my life. I've even thought that the etching on my grave should some day read "Here lies Kasey. She contradicted herself on a daily basis."

Perhaps this is one of the reasons I love reading Brennan Manning's books so much. His full disclose of his weaknesses and failures are (weird to say) and encouragement to me. "When I am honest, I admit I am a bundle of paradoxes. I believe and I doubt, I hope and I get discouraged, I love and I hate, I feel bad about feeling good, I feel guilty about not feeling guilty. I am trusting and suspicious. I am honest and I still play games" (Brennan Manning in The Ragamuffin Gospel).

The ironic thing I have found is that the scandal of a paradoxical life is often, at least for me, the beauty of the Christian life. He used the weak to lead, the emotionally lame to heal hurts, the loud mouths and doubters and deceitful to be among his twelve closest followers. The one who betrayed Him 3 times in His lowest hour, He chose to lead His church. Why? Because His strength is perfected in weakness. And "weak" is my middle name.

"Confront the dark parts of yourself and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use your pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength." ~ August Wilson

So, while I'm embarrassed and ashamed of my weaknesses and the paradoxes in my life, I also love them because they remind me of just how powerful Christ has become in my life.