Change into Developing

A hand-doodled index card is posted on my refrigerator, one that I doodled on my very own. It's nothing fancy, just a white index card doodled with a black pen, taking no more than 5 minutes to draw. I placed it on the front of my fridge so I would see it often and be reminded of what it says. This is what it looks like: 

I'm embarrassed to say how often I need this reminder. It's not just every day. It's every hour, every minute. And there's no one or nothing to blame but myself.

For as long as I can remember, I have compared myself to others. Growing up, it was my older siblings who I wanted to be like (or be better than). I compared myself to other girls in my class in high school, other athletes on my teams or ones I competed against. I can't go anywhere without, at some point, comparing myself to someone else. I HATE it.

Without even walking to a mirror, I could tell you all the things about me that I have wanted to change. My hair, my eyebrows, my lips, my broad shoulders, my belly jiggle and backleg cellulite, my 5'oclock inevitable armpit air despite my greatest efforts to keep up on shaving, my chest size, my butt size, the thighs, the calves.....exhausting! Once my daughter asked me what my favorite part of my body was and I struggled to find even one thing to tell her that I liked about myself. The answer I came up with: my wrists. I have cute wrists.

I've always wanted to change SOMETHING about me. And if it wasn't something visible, it's something invisible. I want more patience. I want to be more assertive. I want to have more peace, stability, security, blah, BLAH, BLLLLLAHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Change this, God. Change that. I want to be different, better, thinner, toner.....the only thing that doesn't change is the list of changes I want to make.

You can see, just in this short blog post thus far, how emotionally, physically, and spiritually tiring this can be. Until.....

"Change my heart, O God. Make it ever true. Change my heart, O God. May I be like YOU!"

Lyrics to a song I've sung a gazillion times. But every once in awhile, things hit me differently in heart and life-changing ways. Add to that a couple of verses that pierced me:

"The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor Him, for He is your Lord." ~ Psalm 45:11

"You created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful. I know that full well." ~ Psalm 139: 13-14

At one point in the depressing outlook of my discontented life and heart, I came to a realization that not only did I need to be satisfied with how God made me, but also that I needed to stop praying for God to change me. Instead, my prayers shifted to praying "God, develop me." There's a big difference.

I started to ask God to develop eyes that saw a world in need and a will to take the necessary steps of action to relieve it. I began to pray for ears to listen to the hurts of others and lips to speak encouragement and truth to those who needed to hear. I asked God to shape my hands to be willing to help or volunteer and serve and to take me to the waters of satisfaction to leave me complete and whole in who I am in Christ. I no longer pray to be changed. I pray to allow myself to be developed by God.

Comparing myself to others certainly is something I still fight with. But the only thing I pray for now that needs to be "changed" is to have a changed heart, one that reflects the beauty and honor of the presence of God in my life, one full of compassion, not comparison; one that's okay being not okay; one that has weaknesses and blemishes and brokenness; one made whole by the permeating presence of the Spirit of my Father who redeemed me.

Father, change my heart. And use the rest of my imperfections to develop me into someone who brings glory to YOUR name alone.