The Wonder of It All

When Paul and I signed up with Tiny Hands International, I had no idea what I was in for...personally. The ironic thing of it all is that, of all the major decisions in my life, the decision to move towards Tiny Hands was, by far, the easiest one I have ever had and certainly the most clear. Paul and I have both always had a heart for missions. We have always known we wanted to serve missions in some capacity. Opportunities often came up; many of them.

In the beginning of our marriage, we had signed up to go on a mission trip together to Haiti with our church. That fell through when we got custody of his daughter a few weeks before the trip was to happen, and leaving the country at that time just didn't seem like a logical or smart option. Paul has served on mission committees at church. I've done photography and video work for other missions and non-profit organizations. Paul has always been drawn to kids less fortunate. I have always been drawn to ministries for women, sexually and emotionally abused women. Where do we serve? How can we serve together? Teammates, Big Brother Big Sister, Friendship Home, Lincoln Crisis Pregnancy Center? We wrestled with many options, but never felt overly compelled towards a specific one, and if we were, one of us wanted it more than the other.

When Tiny Hands came along with a ministry for children's homes AND women who have suffered the horrors or sex trafficking and forced prostitution, the answer was abundantly clear. Crystal clear. And then came the first trip to Nepal. It was obvious, again, that we could not both go together, as our kids are just too young to be separated from BOTH of us for such a long period of time. Paul and I have a very unique relationship, I think. We do everything together. Pause...maybe I didn't make myself clear enough. EVERYTHING!!! Three weeks apart from each other would be a completely new experience for the both of us.

My heart was eased by the idea of the work Paul would be doing, and more by the work God would be doing THROUGH Tiny Hands International. The idea of him flying half way around the world into a somewhat hostile area didn't bother me at all. Didn't even blink an eye. The separation, I knew, would be painful and somewhat unbearable, and that self-made prophecy has certainly come to fruition. Surprisingly so, in fact.

But here is the thing that has amazed me, and it has been yet another testament of how God works in God's ways. Not my ways. Not Paul's ways. And God's ways are, as we know, unexpectedly perfect. We know they are perfect, yet we still have our own ideas of how He will work. I have found, particularly in these past couple weeks with Paul away, that God didn't just have in mind to show Paul things or to just open Paul's eyes to a new culture (he had never been out of the country prior to this first trip). God had a whole bag of tricks up His sleeve in what He planned to teach ME.

The weakness of every aspect of my personality has been exposed to me. I have often prided myself on my so-thought "strength". The comfort in my laid back personality has always made it easy for me to just go with the flow with very little panic or concern. And I certainly grew up knowing that God provides everything we need. But there are a few aspects of my personality that have always been blatently flawed, which have been exposed to me in more ways than one, and I have been humbled.

I find it very difficult to accept help from people, let alone ask for it. I even struggle in asking my own Mother for help babysitting when Paul is here; not because I don't want her to do it, but because it is just that difficult for me to ask for help from anyone. I have a self-absorbed pride that continually leads me to think that I can do everything on my own and I don't need anyone's help. Add to that, the perfectionistic side of my personality, and you have a person who, not only wants to do it all on my own, but also insists on it being done in my way.

I have had to release so much during this time. I've had to ask for prayers. I've had to ask for help babysitting. I've had to admit that I'm not as strong as I think I am. I've had to say "No" to things I've really wanted to say "Yes" to. I've had to surrender the control of my own will and way and acknowledge that some things (in fact, MOST things) are out of my hands and in the hands of the Almighty. I've had to face the harsh, yet calming realization, that God is guiding me into a place where I am forced to my knees and into submission to what He wants to teach me. Patience, trust, peace, healing, rest...these words are not just cliche prayer words anymore. I bring them humbly and, almost frustratingly, before the throne of His grace, and submit them to the adoration of His perfect ways. I've had to admit that I can't. I've had to stand firm that I won't. I've had to ask for forgiveness. I've had to seek the company of God in my times of lonliness and I've had to realize how often I neglect my time spent in communion with God, and God alone.

When Paul and I signed up to work with Tiny Hands International to help other people, I had no idea how much help I would need from other people. I had no idea how much God wanted to teach ME. I had no idea, not even the inclination of a thought, about what bad shape my heart, mind and attitude was in. "Thou will keep Him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on Thee".

Negative Nancy...Negative Jeff!

I get a kick out of Jeff. You don't know Jeff, most likely. He's an attorney. Not that being an attorney has anything to do with it. Jeff comes in to Scooters with his fellow attorney buddies, all of whom seem a little bit more on the negative side. The come in looking grumpy, like they hate life and everything about it. Jeff is no exception.

Normally, negative people drive me insane, but this group of attorneys are actually some of my favorite people! Add to that, we have nearly complete opposite opinions on practically everyting in life...politics, religion, law, social justice...you name it.  I like them all, but I am particularly drawn to Jeff because he is the most negative one of all. Everything that comes out of his mouth is negative. 

This morning, I was at Scooters, in line to get my mocha. He came in and cut in front of me to be funny, and I laughed. "Really, Jeff? This is how I'm going to start my day?" is what I said to him. I braced myself as I asked my next question. "How was your weekend?"

Blah, blah, blah...he went on.

"Tell me something great that has happened so far today." I asked.

Blah, blah, blah.

He went off to his colleagues as I, admittedly, chose a seat close to them so I could eavesdrop on them. It is their custom to talk for about a half hour and then get refills before they head back to the office. So, today, I decided to get Jeff's refill for him before he went up.

"Refill of Viennese Cinnamon" I heard him say as he approached the counter. 

"Kasey got it for you, you're good."

I heard silence....and as he walked out the door, he turned with a smile and said "Thanks, Kasey".  That single smile made my entire day! The saying, I believe, is very very true....no one needs a smile more than the one that doesn't give one. I am committed to making him smile every single time I see him. The love of Jesus compels me.

I have a date with Matthew McConaughey!

Just to spite KC, my sister-in-law, for harassing me about my photo with Matthew McConaughey, I thought it should be known that I am planning a very late night watching Matthew McConaughey's movies. I plan to watch Failure to Launch, A Time to Kill and Wedding Planner, and I plan to be up very late doing so. Jerk.

An English Proverb of a Day

There's a funny little game my Mom and I play. I'm not sure when or where it started, or even how, but it's a funny little game. I'm certain you are on the edge of your seat in excitment and anticipation to find out what exactly this game is...Well, it doesn't really have a name, but this is how it works: When someone says a "saying", especially those common in the English Proverb section, we go back and forth, continuing on until we run out of wittiness and, let's be honest, maturity.

The more I think of it, the more I think my Mom is responsible for my love affair with quips and quotes. I go nowhere without my well-established Quote Book with me in my purse. Growing up, she would write quotes in the side of her Bible next to special verses that meant something. She would cut out certain quotes or poems from newspapers or magazines, or write them out and tape them to the refrigerator. I find myself doing the same thing. Ahh, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

My mom and I have been spending more time together with Paul being out of town. But you know how it goes, when the cat's away, the mice will play. I miss him so much, but absence makes the heart grow fonder. And fonder, I most certainly have become! I'm quickly learning how many things I don't know how to do around the house! Or may I be slightly more honest here...I don't WANT to do them. Our black lab has left land mines in the backyard. NOT GOING THERE!!!! There's bugs and disease out there, people! Better safe than sorry!!!

To distract my mind, I've taken up the art of reading. I have to be instantly drawn to a book in order to read it. A friend of mine strongly suggested the book Redeeming Love, a story about a woman that learned to overcome the struggle associated with sexual abuse. I definitely want to read it, but when my Mom gave me the book, the cover did not match my image of the book's description, and I was immediately turned off by it. I judged the cover.

I really need to not put off tomorrow what I can do today. Case in point: Ants! When Paul left, there was a small, yet relentless army of ants marching from our garage to the kitchen sink. Each day, I kill more ants. Each day, they send in a new infantry of tougher, more impervious ants. I swear if I held a magnifying glass to them, I may be able to see helmets and bayonets being carried. Some may have flags; Confederate ones, I'm sure. I looked one in the eye this morning (or at least what I perceived to be it's eye...it was tiny) and with my greatest advice ever given, I told that little ant "The grass is always greener on the other side". He never got that far, however. There is a quote that little fellah won't be able to fulfill..."If at first you don't succeed, try, try again." Makes it difficult to try, try again when you're smashed on a kitchen counter.

As much as my black lab, Selah, is driving me nuts, I know that she is Paul's little project. He is determined to have a disciplined dog. I think he finally came to terms that he doesn't have a disciplined wife, so the dog is the next best step. I heard from someone that you have to teach a dog obedience from 7 months old until one year and after that, the teaching gets more difficult. And guess what little Miss Kasey did today?!? I taught Selah how to shake. It was one of my more proud moments of the day. You just can't teach an old dog new tricks!

I wish I could sleep, but I have accepted the fact that I just can't do it while Paul is gone. The good thing is, I get much done in the wee small hours of the morning. Add to that, a personality of a person who can't sit still, and the fact that I deliberately had a 3 shot espresso mocha at 8 o'clock tonight, I figured I would be up late again. What can I say, a rolling stone gathers no moss. Catch me if you can!

Happy Birthday, Kelly....and more thoughts on Nepal

First and foremost, I must wish my older sister a very Happy Birthday today! If you don't know her, her name is Kelly. She gives the best hugs in the world. She squeezes so hard that you wonder at times if you're supposed to beg for mercy, but she lets go just before that point when you think, for a split second, you may just pass out in her arms. She is a master cook, a gracious hostess, a hospitality guru, and most importantly, she loves Jesus with all her heart, soul and mind and SHOWS it! Happy Birthday, Kelzy! Love your hair, love your shoes!

Now, back to me. Remember me? I'm Kasey, the baby of the family, the one who can never sleep and ends up writing blogs in the middle of the night that make about as much sense as Barbara Walters after a novocaine shot.

Here's the thing upsetting me at the moment. I woke up tonight at 3 a.m. as I do almost every night (or morning, I suppose). I have a friend who I've recently met who has a very clever line of t-shirts called "I Will Not Apologize"...check them out at www.iwillnotapologize.com. There are several witty ones such as "I will not apologize for my coffee breath" or "I will not apologize for going green"....things that we get tired of feeling the need to apologize for. So, the reason I woke up is because my mind won't shut off several of the ideas that I have for new t-shirts. Here's the thing I find a little bit ironic, but mostly disturbing. My wake-me-up thought was this: "I need a t-shirt that says 'I will not apologizing for feeling the need to constantly apologize for everything I need to apologize for'." (If I hear, think or even type the word 'apologize' one more time, you reserve the right now, or at any time, to pinch the back of my arms....it's very painful, trust me). Do you see now how the Barbara Walters analogy plays into this blog. Cute, huh?

Well, I'm awake. It's 2:12pm in Nepal time, 3:33am in Kasey time. It's going to be a full day for me today. I am planning to go to one of the final Farmer's Markets downtown with my kids. TJ, I'm sure, will wear his Nebraska football helmet. We'll walk around and I'll people watch while we follow our routine of coffee stop, rye bread stop, breakfast sandwich stop, curb stop, train stop and Mommy's-exhausted stop. Later on I'll be tailgaiting for the first time in my life (other than last year at this time while down in Texas, tailgaiting with the Longhorns AS a Longhorn fan FOR the Texas vs. Nebraska game...did I mention that's when I met Matthew McConaughey?) That's no lie.....I give you Exhibit A for Amazing....


So yeah, Ummmmmmmm, where was I? (P.S. We ARE snuggling a little bit, aren't we?)

Anyway, I'm tailgaiting and then later going to the NE vs. Missouri Homecoming game with my friend, Sabrina. Here's the thing...I will see the 85,000 plus fans in the stands and will, undoubtedly, be a little bit upset with our society, myself included. Spending all that money to watch college kids play a sport...the skyboxes, the entertainment, the advertising, the news and journalism. I think of ALL the money that goes into sports and our society's love affair with it, and then my heart goes to Nepal. I don't want to have this judgmental mentality of our culture and society because we have been blessed beyond measure here in the United States. I love the country I live in. I love the freedoms of speech and religion I have. But I often wonder if we have gotten so lost in those freedoms that we forget the lack of freedom elsewhere. If all of those 85,000 people gave just one PENNY, that $850 would support a sex-trafficking monitoring station for almost a half of a year! That may not seem like much, until you consider that 10,000 girls are trafficked each year between Nepal and India. And if even one girl was intercepted from that life of horror...ONE girl; that ONE penny will have literally saved a life.



I admit this openly: I am full of judgment and hypocrisy...it's not just a little bit; I am filled to the brim of my mental being with it. This is horrible insight into myself that I am trying to shake. I am trying to find the balance of having a passion and a heart for a people, a culture and a mission, and understanding when other's do not share that same passion. I am praying daily that God wipes me clean of that. There is nothing beneficial in it; only a tool for Satan to distract from the work that really needs to be done. I find a tremendous about of joy in the work being done by people in all parts of the world, in all parts of our country, in all parts of each state and city and town. It has never been more apparent to me than now, that people need the Lord. People NEED Him.

Nepal, Paul, just thinking out loud....

The above photos are just three from Paul. The first are girls in Silguri, I believe. The second is Paul with the girls and women of Princess Home in Nepal, the rescue home for girls who have been sold into prostitution or sex trafficking. The third is Paul with three of the boys from Hesed Home in Bangladesh. The one on the right in the yellow shirt is Chingmi, who took an immediate liking to Paul (and my camera).

I just got off Skype with Paul. Though enjoyable to be able to talk to him and see him via video chat from around the world, it does make me miss him terribly. The past couple days have been a little bit more difficult in many respects. I've realized how much I talk to him when I have a bad day; how much I seek his advice when I get myself into a bind; how much I look forward to a silly match of ping pong at the end of the night; how much I just want to tell him about my day and things that happened...how much better he makes me and my life. 

I thought I would update everyone a little bit as to what is going on over in Nepal. Paul is, unquestionably, on emotional overload. One of the more emotional conversations we've had took place earlier this afternoon. They had visited a place called Pashupati, where they excercise Hindu cremations 24 hours a day. They ran into a girl there, who they spoke to for awhile as they showed her photos on Paul's laptop of Peace Children's Home. She wanted to go to school. She wouldn't accept any money. And when they left, Paul said she blew them kisses. 

Paul said the culture there is "relentless". Everywhere he looks, he says there is pain...from street kids sniffing glue, to homeless people begging, to lepers decaying and basically just waiting to die. Add to that, a religion of oppression and lack of hope, and you can imagine the spiritual warfare that takes place over there. 

I'm not sure what aspect the ministry of Tiny Hands touches the most with me. Initially, it was the sex trafficking and the part they play in setting up the border monitoring stations and rescuing and rehabilitating the women and girls who have been through horrible situations. At the same time, I see the innocence of the children in the photos and I want to, so badly, be a part of giving them hope for their futures. In their world, there is no such word as "hope". They live life how it is given to them and somehow, in the middle of it all, we see them smiling. 

Admittedly, I have had a very difficult week. Ask me to my face, and I will tell you I'm fine. But it is in these hours in the evenings when I just long to be with Paul...not via email or video chat, but to hear his voice and feel the touch of his hand and the power his eyes have to put me at rest. Often times in the morning while I am still sleeping and he has gotten up and showered, he will wake me up by putting his dirty underwear on my head. I even miss that :) I feel very fortunate to have a husband like Paul. There is nothing more attractive, nor anything that instills a deep respect in me, than a man willing to serve others; to sacrifice his own comforts in order to give. 

One of my favorite customers at Scooters came in today while I was there. Tony is his name. I will look at the clock in anticipation to make him his mocha smoothie at 3:15pm. Earlier in the day, four of the regular attorney's came in and I had a conversation with them about politics and law. The funny thing is that, when I got home, I couldn't wait to tell Paul about it. I can't wait to show him my running shoes I got. I can't wait to watch a movie with him on the lovesac downstairs. I can't wait to make him a decaf mocha with whip cream. I can't wait to feel his hug when he listens to the ways I've screwed up, and comfort me. I can't wait to look in his eyes and get lost in how lucky I am to have him. Everything I do has Paul shadowed in it. Every decision I make, every conversation I have, every night I tuck the kids in, every couple I see...Paul is in it all. So yeah, I'm not gonna lie...I'm aching. Struggling. Very lonely. Next week is going to be worse, as he will not have internet access from Monday through probably Thursday or Friday.....

*tear*

Okay, I'm going to pop in a movie to cheer myself up a bit; most likely it will be a Rush Hour movie...I heard the people in the background of the hotel lobby speaking Nepalese (basically a version of Chinese) and Paul and I were laughing at their dialect. I said to him "I saw Godzilla and ya'll were TRIPPIN!!!"...a movie line from that movie...and I heard him laugh!  I can't wait to have him home!