I'm Living A Lie

First of all, I know about 98% of you visited this blog post out of sheer gossipy curiosity from the title. Don't be ashamed, we all do it. I may or may not have lured you that direction on purpose. And I'm okay with it. However, I hate to disappoint those of you who came to read something juicy and scandalous that you perhaps thought I was admitting to out of humble conviction.

That's actually not the case. Maybe someday.

Nonetheless, I am still living a lie. Let me explain.

For those of you who have been keeping up with my blog, you know that this year has been a year of commitment and change for me. I quit drinking pop, I stopped making my way through fast food joints, started to run consistently and have just tried to make all-around better, healthier choices for myself. And I've done it for the most part, so far.

One of the other things I committed myself to do was something much less inspiring and...well, pretty much vain, holding no lasting significance to anything in life other than to appease my selfish and narcissistic nature. So far, I've held off in doing this. But last weekend, things changed. My last unfulfilled resolution for 2012: Do something crazy and different with my hair.

My husband's niece is a beauty and fashion guru. Every time I see her Facebook page with updated photos, I marvel at all her new styles. Marvel is the "Christian" word I use for "envy" that makes me feel better about myself. One day she's blonde, the next her hair is black. It's short, then long. Her eyelashes and makeup always look photo-shoot ready. To use the hip lingo, she's TOTES ADORBS! She is an instructor at our local beauty college now, and rightfully so. And now that she lives closer to us, we enlisted her last weekend to make good on my fleeting pursuit in vanity.

Now, this is where it gets a little bit complicated and silly. Hear me out as I digress just a little bit on this.... So, if any of you read my "Mixed Race Mixups" blog previously written, you may understand where I'm coming from. Growing up as one of the only black girls at an all-white school and being raised by my white Mama (whom I love so much!), I never really knew how to do my hair. For the most part, it was a dry, nappy mess. From the time I can remember, I've always loved hair and I always wanted mine to be more manageable. I remember as a child putting skirts on my head and walking around the house, acting like I had a long, flowing mane (much to the distain of my older sister who beheaded my Barbies and hid my Cabbage Patch Kids). I had a large Barbie head that I would do hair on and would do it for hours. Then I would try to do mine the same and would settle for what I would come up with. Summary: I hated my hair and I've never known what to do with it or HOW to do it. Pic to the left: proof. Okay, so that dry fro was a bit dramatic in an effort to promote my heritage. Even so....crazy!

Okay, back to my husband's niece and the fulfillment of my resolution. So, last week, we traveled up with her and my lil' family to a beauty store in north Omaha. When we walked in, I had a taste of being in both hair heaven and an awkward, unknown world. I saw all these options for hair and hairstyles, but had no clue how to do them, what they were or how to even ask. All I could think was, "It's a good thing we brought our more-black-than-me-white-niece with us to show me how to be black" :) And so we began. I tried on all kinds of wigs, from synthetic hair to human hair, half wigs to full wigs, black and curly ones to blonde and straight ones...I had no idea such a world even existed. And now that this new world has been opened up to me, the possibilities are endless. Um...I'm not sure you heard me right because I didn't hear you squeal like I did... ENDLESS!!!!

So, here's where my dilemma comes in, and the reason I had to write this blog.

When we left Omaha, after purchasing a wig or two of course, I immediately put one on in the car and played with it all the way back home. We had to make a stop at Sam's Club for some groceries, so I wore it nervously into the store. While walking around, feeling all fly with my new sexy look, I noticed my 8 year old son kept looking out of the corner of his eye at me with a slightly concerned look on his face. With my maternal instincts kicking in, I looked at him and asked him why he seemed so concerned. A little bit embarrassed to answer, he quietly looked up at my wig and remarked, "Mom, you're living a lie."

I laughed at first. And then it started to concern me a little bit. That is, until I do what I always do. I rationalized it in my head: "Well, we ALL lie"...we color our hair, we get perms because we don't have curly hair or we get Brazilian blowouts because we want it straight, we wear fake nails and uncomfortable undergarments to hide the muffin tops and love handles. We trim our bushy eyebrows and color them and wear fake lashes and spend A LOT of money on makeup to put on a face that we don't actually have. We smile when we're not happy and we act concerned when we could sometimes care less....we all are "living a lie", aren't we? To some degree...

But with all the rationalizing I did on that day, I realized that if I am going to go all-out with this new hairstyle and look thing, I need to be honest about it. I'm going to have new looks every now and then. Sometimes it will be my real hair, sometimes it won't. Sometimes it may be a wig, sometimes it may be extensions or a weave. Sometimes I may go crazy and put some unnatural color like purple in it, sometimes I'll just throw on a hat for an I-don't-care day. But whatever hairstyle I choose to go with on a particular day, I know it doesn't define me. I used to think it did. Hair, in the black culture, is a big deal. I'm learning that. And I'm also learning the notion that I can and do have the freedom to have it look however I want it to. And I will. No matter what style I have...

I am not my hair. I am not this skin. I am not your expectation.
I am the soul that lives within. ~ India Arie 

(Check out this video by India Arie --> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E_5jIt0f5Z4)

And even more than that, I keep this in mind: "Your beauty...should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." ~ I Peter 3:4

This is a photo of when I added some highlights a few years ago. This was a bold step for me, especially because I did it right before we went to a wedding.

For added fun, I also attaching a photo of my dramatic blonde look :) One of these days, I may, JUST MAY, be bold enough to try to pull this off! (I think this scared my Mom when I showed it to her)...

Trying on the blonde wig, niece in the background.
Photo courtesy of my husbs.